1. You know a lot about wine
2. You’re wearing a beret
3. Your lungs are slowly morphing into gills
4. You call any form of transportation “The Metro”
5. You have a fundamental understanding of how the British Empire irrevocably shaped the Western world
6. You’re hung like a fucking horse
7. You have been breathing underwater for 19 successive minutes now
8. You get art
MIDDLETOWN, CT — For the better part of a decade, Wesleying has clung to relevancy among the smorgasbord of student publications with its state-of-the-art points calculator, allowing students to budget their meal plan without going hungry. (Anything less would be dangerous and irresponsible.) However, the Groundhog has been encroaching on Wesleying’s turf since 2016 with its own brand of humorous content. Now, the coup is complete with the launch of the Groundhog’s very own Points Calculator!
The Groundhog’s Points Calculator is a text-in service, personalized to your own eating habits. This cutting-edge technology will not only approximate how many points you have left, it will also guess what kind of food you’re most likely to spend your points on. Instead of ordering a Buffalo Chicken Salad from Summies to eat in your room alone, you can find out exactly how many more “salads” you can order this semester before begging on the staircase of Usdan! Simply text your number of points to 832-657-7117 and we will respond with exactly what you need to do to last out the semester.
Ex. “I have 500 points left and five weeks left in the semester!”
GPC: “I think you’re good?”
“Help! I only have 200 points left and it’s not even Thanksgiving!”
GPC: “Shit that’s crazy lol. Good luck tho.”
“Will my 1000 points plan last me through the spring?”
Well there you have it! Sorry, Wesleying— you still have the Star and Crescent Menu.
Thanksgiving is coming around and one thing is on all of our minds. I know what you’re all thinking. Which of my cousins is it ok to hit on at dinner? Which of the people I am related to is it ok to do the nasty with? I spent the past three days scrolling through instagram, Grandma’s facebook albums, and local incest laws, so I consider myself pretty much the expert. Here are my findings:
Paul – Paul is an interesting case, in that I could totally fuck him if I wanted to, but really have no interest in it. Yeah he’s my brother in law’s friend from college, but why take the risk of familial embarrassment for a guy who wears polo shirts tucked into basketball shorts and calls everyone “babe”?
Krista – Kind of the Bermuda triangle here. Not sure what to make of Krista. She’s a second cousin, so it would be legal in some states, and but I’m not sure I’m into it. Would only fuck if Darren turns me down.
Darren – The fucking dream, Darren married my third cousin and has a bod that simply REFUSES to quit.
Jamie – I think of Jamie as kind of a project. Very related, but not quite hot enough yet. Give it a few years and Jamie could become a real Darren situation. I have high hopes. Maybe next 4th of July barbecue?
Terry – Real nightmare scenario. Not only is Terry like a brother to me, but he has a gross mustache and only eats things that have way too much garlic on them. Terry gets a 0/10 on fuckability
Pete – Oh Pete. Pete, Pete, Pete. So hot, and yet so closely related. Is it worth it? God, I hope so, I already instagram dmed him “excited for thanksgiving lol 😉 ;)”
Aunt Linda – No comment.
PORTLAND, ME — I’ve been wondering for quite a while, and I think I’ve come to the conclusion: What are boobs made out of, actually? Some people have them, some people don’t, but no one knows what’s actually inside them. I did some research, and these are my best guesses for what boobs are actually made of:
- spider eggs?
- silly putty
- bricks? no…
- What happens when they hatch?
- sloppy Joe?
- frosting? icing?
- When do they hatch?
- The Fourth Matter
- smaller boobs?
- Oh god….
- Whoopie cushions?
- balled-up socks?
- THEY’RE HATCHING!
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the recent Supreme Court nomination of Brett Kavanaugh putting American reproductive rights at risk, now is as good a time as ever to think about long-term birth control. The next few years could descend into a trash fire at any moment, and the last thing you want is an intruder in your womb to deal with. Here are five reliable options to keep the bun out of your oven when the Russians take over:
- Mirena IUD
The Mirena IUD is a hormone implant that lodges firmly in your uterine wall, and prevents fetal inconveniences for up to six years. In the frightening event that Trump wins his reelection, this IUD will cover you throughout his whole term!
2. Birth Control Implant
This hormone implant goes in your arm instead of your vag, which makes insertion a little less invasive and terrifying, but the side effects even more pronounced. Being a woman is amazing! The arm implant lasts up to four years, which means that assuming Planned Parenthood is still open four years from now, you’ll have to make another appointment!
3. Copper IUD
Unlike the above options, the copper IUD doesn’t rely on hormones, but still causes painful and inconvenient side effects anyway! We love an inconsistent bitch. The plus side is that the copper implant lasts for up to 12 years, and depending on your age, you might be barren by the time it wears off anyway. Most dictatorships get more lax after the first decade anyway, so this option might be perfect for you and your rapidly declining political situation!
4. Underground All-Female Commune
At some point, the only way to get through this shit is to pull a reverse Handmaid’s Tale and create your own woman-led society in the sewers. Without any men to impregnate you, there’s no need for birth control in the first place!
Let’s face it: you’re a millennial. You don’t want to bring children into this world anyway. Just commit to wearing crocs 24/7 until shit blows over. It’s cheaper than getting your tubes tied, and you can accessorize with some fun Jibbitz.
LOS ANGELES, CA — Liberal arts colleges around the nation have been the forefront of challenging gender norms. Men can wear nail polish, women can gaslight, anything is possible in the year 2018, except maybe your professor respecting your they/them pronouns.
Men, especially, are opening up to previously taboo forms of sexual pleasure, and women are once again pushing the envelope of feminine presentation. How do you celebrate your newfound gender fluidity? By commercializing it, of course. These three “boy short” underwear sets will send the message that you’re not afraid to look “masculine,” and also that you know your way around a strap-on.
These classic Calvins are the trendiest iteration of the “boy short” look. They’re more expensive than most underwear, which will let your partner know that you probably own a dildo on the nicer end of the spectrum.
The Seamless Nude
Nothing puts your lover in the mood for artificial dick like making your vagina disappear entirely. When you get rid of the alternative, he’ll be bending over in no time.
The Feminine Side
Just because you’re about to destroy a man’s anus doesn’t mean you can’t look cute doing it. Ribbons and lace are entirely welcome in your pegging experience, just be sure to keep them clean!
MIDDLETOWN, CT — Wescam season is well under way, and well, things are moving a little slower than you’d like. The cute person in your stats class has made eye contact with you twice, and the crush on your hall didn’t say “Hi” to you in the bathroom. Then, all of a sudden, the stars align. Your crush watched your snap story! It was a really funny one, too. Things are going so well for you, how do you even stay humble about it?
- Consult one of Kanye’s more recent tweets.
Kanye isn’t the same old Kanye anymore. Kanye’s been doing a lot of thinking lately, and his words of wisdom might set you on a nobler path, before you start imagining what life with your crush might be like and get too full of yourself.
2. Check your Tinder.
Remember when you didn’t match with them? Relive that painful setback, and scroll through all the 4s you did match with to keep yourself in check.
3. Talk to a COL or Philosophy student about literally anything.
If you’re looking to get condescended to, look no further than the COL library. You’ll forget all about your crush and start to wonder why you don’t know more about Plato’s Republic.
4. Order Summies to-go.
Nothing simulates rock bottom like texting into Summies.
5. Talk to your crush.
You’ve talked the big talk, now before you get ahead of yourself, remember all of your attempts to actually *interact* with your crush. It didn’t go so well, did it? Maybe it’ll be better this time, but if it’s not, at least you have modesty as a virtue.