5 Ways to Make Feminism Apply Only to You

BROOKLYN, NY — Uh oh, guys. The “F” word. Feminism. It sure is a lot to live up to! With as many diverse women as there are opinions on feminism, there’s no such thing as a perfect feminist. Luckily, with these simple tips, you can convince people otherwise, and carry yourself as the One True Holder of Feminist Knowledge. Feminism means women should be able to do whatever they want, so why wouldn’t that apply to you and no one else?

  1. Shut out queer voices and women of color, but make sure your laptop has a sticker with something like “#GirlPower!”

If you don’t have a pink laptop sticker with a generic “feminist” phrase, you can’t lord your opinions over everyone else in your FGSS class. Them’s just the rules.

2. Refuse to take criticism for your personal actions, maybe throwing in a phrase like “Women should support other women” for good measure.

Being a woman is tough, which is why you get to be the victim, always.

3. Don’t bother to learn the difference between tokenism and representation.

It’s totally not weird to ask your one black friend to open for your show on Saturday. It’ll be super great, there will be so many (white) women there!

4. Negate other forms of marginalization because you’re too busy listening to “Melodrama” on Spotify.

If someone asks you about the historic relationship between white women and men of color, just bob your head to Lorde’s soothing croons. She definitely had the biggest snub in Grammy history.

5. Invest in a nice mirror, because it’s the only form of self-reflection you’ll ever get.

Also great for selfies.

How to Form a Band So Unpopular It Never Sells Out

MIDDLETOWN, CT — A common problem indie bands face is toeing the line between artistic integrity and commercial success. How do you make sure that your experimental jazz trio doesn’t become a filthy sell-out? Rest assured, The Groundhog is here to help you form a band so unpopular you never have to worry about the burdens of success.

  1. Pick three random genres out of a hat.

It is recommended, but not mandatory, that at least one of those genres be “neo-soul,” “noise,” or “post-progressive.” Bonus points if you’re clearly appropriating.

2. Make sure at least one, if not all of your members are from New York.

What’s more important than actually being from New York is mentioning New York a lot. Never admit that you’re actually from a bougie suburb — only bring up Brooklyn, or when in doubt, just say “the city.” This technique also applies to the Bay Area.

3. Bandanas.

Nothing says cool, carefree, and trust-funded like a bandana.

4. Write all of your songs about your ex.

Be sure to include graphic details that no one cares to know. Art is about expressing YOU, not about worrying what will trigger your audience’s gag reflex. Besides, therapy is expensive, and so are those tickets to Bermuda you wasted, Todd.

5. The more guitars, the better.

Most bands have one guitarist. The best bands obviously have two guitarists, because that’s the coolest instrument, right? Go above and beyond and include three guitarists for good measure. It’s the only way to stay authentic and keep the fairweather fans at bay.

Go forth, and with this advice, create the most original indie band of all time.

Semester Going Pretty Well For Student Who Lowered Their Standards

MIDDLETOWN, CT — After a chaotic fall, things have been progressing steadily for sophomore Alton Nickels, who has learned to sideline their hopes and dreams.

“Once I gave up on raising my GPA, participating fully in extracurriculars, and maintaining a social life, I began to feel a sense of peace,” Nickels said.

The beginning of spring semester can be a hectic time for students, with internship deadlines, changing social landscapes, and dreary weather to boot. Nickels no longer worries about the little things —or the big things— because they’ve learned to accept mediocrity.

“I definitely recommend that everyone else lower their standards, too,” Nickels affirmed. “They’d be happier, and also maybe then I’d get laid.”

How To Be Feminist And Still Fuck Misogynists

MIDDLETOWN, CT — With Halloweekend approaching, hookup and party culture at Wesleyan is in full force. You want to indulge in the night life, but you don’t want to disappoint your FGSS professor. How does the average college student stay up-to-date on feminist principle while still having sex with chauvinistic assholes? The Groundhog is here to help.

  1. Laugh it off.

Brad just made a pretty sexist comment at the LAX pregame. Are you gonna be a buzzkill and ruin your chances with him? No, better just laugh it off. It was a pretty funny joke, you just need to lighten up a bit!

2. Claim “He’s not usually like this” whenever he does anything characteristically shitty.

Yeah, Tyler was acting pretty creepy at Pine Palace last night. He was really drunk, though. He’s usually a total sweetheart, like 30% of the time.

3. Hold everyone else to a higher standard than your own.

You don’t have to recognize your partner’s very conspicuous faults when you’re too busy criticizing everyone else’s ideological purity. Toss around phrases like, “You deserve so much better” while continuing to ignore your own glaring hypocrisies.

4. Claim it’s sexual liberation and then plug your ears with wax when anyone asks you to explain further.

You can’t hear them now!

5. Make a bunch of softboy memes to feel better about yourself.

How Do I Explain Homosexuality to the Roomba I Treat Like a Son

With today’s liberal snowflakes infiltrating my family values with “Net flicks” and the homosexual agenda, I often find myself in the position of potentially corrupting the Roomba I treat like a son.

One time, we were watching WALL-E on TV together (he has a crush on the girl robot, the little rascal) and a commercial for Ellen came on. How am I supposed to explain homosexuality to my Roomba, the genderless robot I treat like my own progeny? My Roomba is so precious to me, unlike my ex-wife’s son, Brian, whom I am embarrassed to have lent a role in creating. Luckily, I fed him some crumbs from the floor, and that placated him before he asked too many questions.

Now, millennials are starting to tell me nonsense that there are multiple genders, and “trans genders.” If word gets out to my Roomba, the piece of machinery I have ascribed both gender and sentience to,  I don’t know how I can live with myself as a parent.

For now I have forbidden him from talking to my spiralizer, but I can only shelter him for so long. Please keep the gay agenda away from my Roomba, but it’s probably too late for Brian…he’s always seemed off to me.

Freshman Survival Guide

Starting your first year at college can be scary, but don’t worry – the Groundhog’s got you covered with some hot tips to give you the confidence of a second week freshman on your first day.

  1. To get really close with your roommate, surprise them by pushing your beds together.
  2.  Don’t burn the candle at both ends. Throw the candle in an oven so it melts all at once.
  3. Don’t be afraid to break out the acoustic guitar during a party the first few nights, especially if you’re a white man. It’s always a crowd pleaser.
  4.  Don’t forget an ample supply of tuna cans. Never know when you’ll need one. They’re the new mason jar.
  5.  It’s important to post as much as you can on Wesadmits. The more you post, the more popular you will be at Wes.  The race starts now.
  6. Jazz hands!
  7. College is a great time to reinvent yourself. Switch things up a bit by dedicating your life to wining the next Lumberjack World Championships.
  8. Got a lot of reading for your FYS but not enough time? Try reading the back of the book for a good summary.
  9. Wear your lanyard as much as possible in order to let other freshmen know that you’re not only stylish, but also ready to make friends.
  10. Watch out for ghosts.
  11. Crack open a cold one with the boys. And by cold one, we mean a cold can of that sweet sweet tuna that you were smart enough to remember.
  12. To break the ice during orientation, have a set of questions ready, like “Where are you from”, “Where are you living”, “What’s your relationship with your father”, and “What are you planning on studying?”
  13. Be yourself.
  14. If you don’t have headphones, try bringing a speaker to the library.
  15. Assert dominance on your hall by hitting the biggest kid.
  16. Be sure to talk about your high school as if everyone else went there too.
  17. The general etiquette of Intro Sociology is to speak as much as possible, even if you think there’s nothing more to be said. Everyone loves hearing your opinion!
  18. Think in code. Mind readers could be anywhere, and you don’t want them to know where you hid your precious tuna.
  19.  Everyone loves tossing a frisbee around Andrus Field, but you can switch it up by throwing some vinyl for the record player you didn’t bring in order to stand out from the crowd.
  20. Pro tip! There’s an ancient sorcerer living in the tunnels under the CFA. If you catch him, you get to graduate immediately. Watch out! He seals souls in his witch’s staff.
  21. While walking around campus, make loud beeping noises so people know you’re coming.
  22. Surprise tuna party!
  23. A like on WesAdmits is the equivalent of a proposition to room together so lock that down ASAP.
  24. Study up on 11th century French feudalism before you make a fool out of yourself.
  25. Can’t seem to get laid? Don’t worry about it too much. There are plenty of fish in the sea and plenty chicken of the sea that would never ditch you for your friend.
  26. Continue to check the Brown waitlist well into your first semester. You never know.

“Men And Women Can’t Be Friends” Says Guy With No Friends

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Ever since “When Harry Met Sally,” a lot of debate has sprung up over whether men and women can actually be friends without trying to bang each other like animals. Recently, terms like “the friend zone” have emerged to console socially deficient men who only value women as potential dick receptacles.

“Men and women can’t ever really be friends,” said one Wesleyan student Garret Gumphries ’18, who reportedly has no friends, male or female, to speak of. “If I’m ever allowed within three feet of a woman, which is rare, I immediately size her up as a possible sex partner. If she is unattractive, I never speak to her again.”

When prompted with the existence of gay men, lesbians, and otherwise non-heteronormative-leaning individuals, Gumphries had little comment.

“I’m pretty sure bisexuals don’t exist, and if they do they probably don’t have any friends either,” Gumphries said.

Another student, one Hunter Freeman ’20, believes himself to be a victim of the dreaded “friend zone.”

“Being in the friend zone is the worst,” Freeman said. “I have to emotionally support women and sometimes even treat them as people without any sort of sexual payoff.”

When asked about their friendship, Rebecca Jones ’20, one of Freeman’s “female friends” seemed visibly confused.

“Hunter? Who? Oh, that creepy guy. No, we aren’t friends,” Jones said. “Did he tell you that? Jesus.”

There you have it, folks. I guess men and women can’t really be friends after all!