Michael Roth: “Finally, Wesleyan is a Safe Enough Space”

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Following a campus-wide shutdown in the wake of an international pandemic, Wesleyan President Michael Roth was quick to see the bright side of the situation. “Though I sympathize with all of the students for whom displacement is heartbreaking and an extreme hardship,” said President Roth when asked to comment, “Wesleyan is finally a safe enough space.”

When asked, Roth clarified that he wasn’t referring to the campus being safe from the COVID-9 virus, but rather “toxic disagreement and other forms of problematic rhetoric.” The university president seems to be referring to the arguments posed in his 2019 book Safe Enough Spaces: A Pragmatist’s Approach to Inclusion, Free Speech, and Political Correctness on College Campuses. “Really, this is exactly the sort of situation I had advised,” said Roth. “Chapter 12 discusses how a worldwide pandemic is the perfect situation to really make a campus a safe space for its inhabitants.”

“If no students are able to assemble in groups larger than 5 people, then it’s very difficult for there to be any free speech issues, do you see?” Roth cackled, when asked to explain himself. “That’s what makes this such a beautiful situation.” He then went on to add — in a somewhat sinister tone of voice — that if he had his way, the whole world would be ‘safe enough’ by the end of the year. “And then they’ll see what old Mikey Roth was talking about,” he added. “Then they’ll all see the value of a liberal arts education.”

Gay Vegan Has to Pick Battles This Thanksgiving

BEDFORD, MA — This Thanksgiving break, local gay cousin Ava Blackburn has been mentally preparing herself for dysfunctional family warfare. Knowing that she is both queer and vegan, Blackburn has decided to pick her battles when it comes to dinner-table topics of discussion.

“It’s basically a choice between mentioning my girlfriend or refusing to eat the mashed potatoes that definitely contain dairy,” Blackburn told The Groundhog in confidence. “Aunt Ida keeps insisting that the potatoes are vegan, but I think she’s just hoping I won’t notice.”

Many of her defense strategies involve avoiding her grandmother, a food-obsessed homophobe, altogether.

“Everything about my existence would make a baby boomer’s head explode,” she explained. “Like, no, Grandma, I do eat meat, but not the kind you’re making. She still asks me when I’m getting a boyfriend every year. I just tell her I’m focusing on my studies.”

Although Blackburn has a fraught few days ahead of her, she says there is some solace to the chaotic holiday.

“One of my cousins dropped out of undergrad, so at least I don’t have to deal with all that,” Blackburn noted, making an exaggerated expression with her eyebrows. “Also we smoke weed together before dessert.”

Café Known For Free Coffee Wonders Why It’s Broke

MIDDLETOWN, CT — In a huge hit to the queer community, student-run café Espwesso has announced that they will be nearing bankruptcy by the end of the Fall 2019 semester. The café known for giving away free coffee as a central tenet to its business model is completely perplexed as to how they ended up broke.

“It seemed like a flawless plan from the beginning,” financial manager Sam Jellious said. “You give the coffee away, the customer doesn’t pay for it, and money appears in your account every week. We don’t know what went wrong.”

On top of completely free drip coffee, Espwesso has also boasted absurdly low prices for its esp(w)esso-based drinks. Competitors such as Pi Café and Usdan Café charge up to 1.5 points more per drink, with the added benefit of cold, premixed salads and Icelandic yogurt selections.

“I go to Espwesso to do work all the time,” sophomore Tina Mueller shared. “It took me until this interview to realize that they even sold anything.”

“I stopped going to Espwesso because every girl I’ve ever hooked up with studies there,” one student who asked to remain anonymous said. “That, and I simply don’t agree with jazz or improv—for political reasons. I don’t think public spaces should host those kinds of events.”

With a beloved study space on the verge of collapse, many are going into dire straits to save Espwesso from the brink and liven up their business model.

“Maybe if we started calling it ‘Wespresso,’ more people would come,” Jellious said.

Hookup Culture Gone Too Far? Freshman Ghosts 50 Clubs

MIDDLETOWN, CT— As the new school year kicks up, Club Fair is an exciting way to give young first-years a taste of campus extracurricular life. The bustling array of tables and club leaders can often make an underclassman’s head spin. With so many options, how do you choose? It’s simple: you don’t. Every year, freshman’s eyes are bigger than their stomachs, signing up for millions of clubs they will never attend a single meeting for. Is it greedy? Yes, but the world is their oyster.

For one young first-year, being dropped into a new social circle with no prior hangups has resulted in an intense form of extracurricular promiscuity. Simply just excited by the idea of being desirable to someone, the young 18-year-old signed his name away to over 50 clubs, with zero plans to commit to any of them.

“Bread Salvage seems wholesome, and kind of familiar to what I did in high school,” Martin Rhojah ’23 said. “But Podcast Club is so fresh and new, and a little bit edgy. It’s intriguing, for sure.”

When asked whether he will at least attend the initial interest meetings for any of the clubs he signed up for, Rhojah seemed less enthused.

“I mean, I have a lot on my plate right now as it is,” he said. “I can’t prioritize any one thing. I’m just getting my feet in the water, figuring out who I am. For that reason, I need to keep things pretty casual.”

Sadly for Rhojah, most of the clubs he expressed interest in are looking for more experienced upperclassmen anyway.

Student Caught Smuggling Manischewitz Into Terp

MIDDLETOWN, CT – This past Friday, April 19, at approximately 9:39 pm, Wesleyan sophomore Rebekah Goldstein-Rosenberg was caught attempting to smuggle a canteen of Manischewitz wine into the 10 pm Terp show. University administrators that were on-site at the event stated that she had poured it into three separate glasses for her friends Noah Ruben ‘22 and Jenna Katz ‘21 before they proceeded to dip their fingers into their drinks and murmur in a fashion that one Public Safety officer described as “reminiscent of ancient witchcraft.” Dean of Students Richard Richardson stated that, while there was certainly controversy around the incident, he had full faith that P-Safe was executing their jobs to perfection, particularly when they reportedly heard threats of “blood” and “murder of the first-borns.” Although Dean Dick was unsure as to the cause behind the students’ actions, he speculated that it was likely a part of the “disruptive protests” of the administration that had occurred on campus recently.

However, this is not the same story reported by Rebekah and her friends. In her statement to the Groundhog, Rebekah claimed that they “came to TERP because we were really excited to participate in an integral aspect of the Wesleyan Experience™.” Unfortunately, they ran into a problem when Passover, a supposed holiday in the Jewish religion, landed on the date of the performance. “We wanted to be able to come out and perform in a quintessential Wes event, while still participating in the cultural and religious activities that are important to us,” began Noah Ruben, while Jenna Katz chimed in that “Frankly, this situation as a whole is absurd! We weren’t even drinking the Manischewitz, much less performing witchcraft, which, as a claim, is just blatant anti-semitism.”

While the administration comes to final decisions for the punishments for these three students, we are sure that the student body will be keen to express their own voices and opinions. However, we here at the Groundhog do want to note that we find it suspicious that these students only identified as “Jew-ish” rather than “full-on Jew,” as we’d assume a true Jew would. Nonetheless, let us hope that the situation figures itself out efficiently and fairly, and teaches us an important lesson about disrupting future TERP performances.

“Divest This!” Michael Roth Gleefully Cries as He Runs Around Campus With a Super-Soaker Full of Gasoline

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Wesleyan President Michael Roth was recently seen running around the college campus with a water gun full of gasoline, yelling “divest this!” at the top of his lungs. Though Wesleyan students had known for a long time that the university’s administration was far from cooperative on the issue of divesting from oil, students didn’t expect to get blasted in the face by a squirt of crude oil while leaving classes.

When asked if he would ever consider recommending a plan of divestment to the Wesleyan board of trustees, President Roth replied that he would do it “if anyone can catch me”, before proceeding to strip naked, grease himself up in petroleum, and sprint down Foss Hill.

Is it Aries Season, or Is it Just You?

So, the craziest thing just happened. You were minding your business, texting while driving, when a car comes out of nowhere and nearly side-swipes you. Ugh! It must be Aries season. You come home, and your roommate is mad at you because you forgot to wash the dishes AGAIN. Total Aries season move, am I right? What other frustrations could you face in the following month? Will your ex-boyfriend give you an unexpected call, after you’ve been texting him for weeks? Will the FBI uncover a wide-reaching college admissions scandal that implicates you and your family for fraud? Who knows. It all depends on your own personal choices and actions, and the following consequences for your behavior. Or, you could blame it on Aries season! You’re SUCH a Libra anyway.