MIDDLETOWN, CT – Wesleyan President Michael Roth has reportedly heard, acknowledged, and truly internalized complaints by students that his school “doesn’t understand how hard academic work in an international pandemic can be.” Immediately concerned, Roth gathered a “focus group” to establish a new role which might encourage greater understanding between students and faculty. The group, which contained him and 7 other like-minded and passionate board members, came to the conclusion that they would be hiring new Empath Assistants for the duration of the COVID-19 pandemic. These self-professed “empaths” will work as mediators between the misunderstood student body and their impartial, objective professors.
In his announcement of the new position of Empath Assistant (EA), President Roth made it clear that the tenured professors had done their darndest to reward those who are willing to take on such a role. Unfortunately, President Roth announced that “due to this realization coming partway through the semester, we will be unable to make room for financial compensation for the EAs. However, we hope that the added bonus of finally being ‘heard’ will be enough of a reward for the intense emotional labor involved.”
Some of the students in Roth’s classes, however, seemed unconvinced that this would encourage truly unbiased understanding in terms of the cultural and political context. Sarah Macchi, ‘23, believed that the lack of financial help would unfortunately ensure that only the most “financially-privileged of empaths” would be able to take on this position, whereas Sam Jackson, ‘24, found the fact that “the professors are still forcing the excess labor onto the shoulders of the students” to be objectionable.
However, as Wesleyan University has made it clear that they will hopefully be expanding the EA program over the next couple of years, while keeping the structure set up by Roth, we at the Groundhog can only look forward to how it can improve student-professor relations.
BEDFORD, MA — This Thanksgiving break, local gay cousin Ava Blackburn has been mentally preparing herself for dysfunctional family warfare. Knowing that she is both queer and vegan, Blackburn has decided to pick her battles when it comes to dinner-table topics of discussion.
“It’s basically a choice between mentioning my girlfriend or refusing to eat the mashed potatoes that definitely contain dairy,” Blackburn told The Groundhog in confidence. “Aunt Ida keeps insisting that the potatoes are vegan, but I think she’s just hoping I won’t notice.”
Many of her defense strategies involve avoiding her grandmother, a food-obsessed homophobe, altogether.
“Everything about my existence would make a baby boomer’s head explode,” she explained. “Like, no, Grandma, I do eat meat, but not the kind you’re making. She still asks me when I’m getting a boyfriend every year. I just tell her I’m focusing on my studies.”
Although Blackburn has a fraught few days ahead of her, she says there is some solace to the chaotic holiday.
“One of my cousins dropped out of undergrad, so at least I don’t have to deal with all that,” Blackburn noted, making an exaggerated expression with her eyebrows. “Also we smoke weed together before dessert.”
MIDDLETOWN, CT — The biggest weekend of the fall semester has come and gone, folks! With Halloween on a Thursday this year, Halloweekend extended past its normal October boundaries to continue into November 1st and 2nd. Some students sported creative costumes for all three days of the drunken extravaganza, but only one complete weirdo left his costume on through Sunday and Monday.
“I saw him at the football game on Saturday and I thought, ‘Oh, cool, he’s wearing his costume during the day. That’s kinda weird, but I can vibe with it,'” one sophomore Deidre Birkenstock noted. “But then I saw him at lunch in Usdan and I realized he’s still wearing that freaky suit.”
The person behind the unnerving bird suit has yet been unnamed, but his presence has shocked and disturbed visiting parents, alums, and students alike.
“This is getting weird, man,” Michael Toblerone ’20 said. “What’s the meaning behind the costume? Is it a sex thing? Why is he normally surrounded by a group of girls in skirts?”
Loud side correspondents have attempted to shed light on the mysterious phenomenon, but their explanations were incoherent. Their talk of Saturday morning rituals and “school spirit” only raised our suspicions of a possible satanic Halloween cult in our midst.
“Dude, he’s supposed to be wearing that,” football player John Licklehooper insisted. “We can’t win without our Dirty Bird there on the sidelines.”
There’s no way of knowing for sure why that particular student has chosen this lifestyle, but for the sake of our mental wellbeing, we hope it stops soon.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – Hark! On a sheet of parchment on the front steps of North College, a challenge was issued by none other than President Roth himself. The parchment read as follows: “Those gents who is’t possesseth the pow’r to wield the longeth ice cream scoop from Usdan shall beest mine own immediate success’rs”.
Many students have tried in vain to control the raw power that the scoop exudes. Those who have come close to wielding the untempered energy of the long scoop immediately found themselves on the edge of fainting. One student commented, “After many minutes of struggling to coordinate myself in direct opposition to the scoop’s primordial behest, I blacked out and woke up during Late Night”.
Among the absolute chaos both the long scoop and its puppet, Michael Roth, had sought out, one freshman faced the challenge with a vigor that exceeded that of previous attempts. Walking in from the quiet side, the mysterious and noble hero placed their hand onto the scoop, left sitting in the Narragansett cookie flavor, with grace. They then wielded the scoop with such ease that the student could not have been anything less than a demigod. It is clear that this student, that soon disappeared (likely to take their position), is absolutely worthy.
We recommend that the student body welcome our new leader with open arms. It is best not to disrespect a being with that sheer amount of raw power.
The wait is over. After many students have expressed frustration surrounding Usdan’s uncomfortably long ice cream scoops, Bon Appetit has unveiled brand new, girthier stainless steel scoops. The added weight and heft is meant to ease scooping for the less-endowed ice cream lovers.
“We’ve heard your complaints” a Bon Appetit representative said. “The Usdan ice cream scoop was always long, but now it’s also girthy.”
The new thicker scoops require a two-handed grip for the full load of creamy goodness. For best results, put on a Sufjan Stevens Spotify playlist to allow the ice cream to soften.
“I’ve always been embarrassed to scoop ice cream in Usdan because it just took too long and my arms would get tired,” first-year Alex Oneida said. “But this chode scoop gets the job done in half the time.”
So the next time you reach for a fat scoop of corn-flavored ice cream, enjoy the comfort and convenience of the revolutionary new handle. You won’t ever go back.
HARTFORD, CT – On May 1st the Connecticut Supreme Court heard oral arguments in the Kent Literary Club (KLC) v. Wesleyan University case. Unfortunately, the proceedings came to a halt after Wesleyan gave their piece and DKE announced that they “don’t really do oral” but were willing to receive.
“We’ve entered a contractual relationship with DKE and it’s only fair that they uphold their end by really going down into the details of the case,” the university’s lawyer said in an opening statement. “We’d also like to note that the piece they did present was not as long or convincing as we’d expected.”
DKE’s representatives held that their response would be a “waste of time,” and that “we don’t really see what we would get out of it.” They also accused the university of giving Psi U special treatment through backdoor tactics, stating “We know that you’ve been dealing with Psi U on the back end and letting them do things that we could only dream of.” They finished their written statements by noting that they “hadn’t even begun to mention what President Roth had gotten into during his time in Alpha Delt.”
Realizing that only one side would come out of this deal satisfied, the Connecticut Supreme Court Justices adjourned for the day.
Wesleyan University’s representative concluded “If the court won’t vindicate us then we’ll just have to get off ourselves.”
MIDDLETOWN, CT – Wesleyan President Michael Roth was recently seen running around the college campus with a water gun full of gasoline, yelling “divest this!” at the top of his lungs. Though Wesleyan students had known for a long time that the university’s administration was far from cooperative on the issue of divesting from oil, students didn’t expect to get blasted in the face by a squirt of crude oil while leaving classes.
When asked if he would ever consider recommending a plan of divestment to the Wesleyan board of trustees, President Roth replied that he would do it “if anyone can catch me”, before proceeding to strip naked, grease himself up in petroleum, and sprint down Foss Hill.
Girl Power Update: Did you know, the female orgasm is uh, *yawn alert* totally passé? That’s like, Second Wave Feminism ladies! We get it, women like to cum! We already know this, but did you know that men want to enjoy sex, too? In all of our ladies first fervor, we forgot to think about the sexual pleasure of our male partner! That’s not what *I* call equality. The next time you get busy, make sure to ask what HE wants. As we all know, most men are too shy to ask women what they really fantasize about in bed, and instead resort to subtle guilt mechanisms until you finally make a threesome Tinder account. How many times have you had sex with a man and had to ask, “Hey man, did you cum? I got off like three times over here and I feel like I’m taking advantage of your generosity.” Don’t leave your man’s pleasure behind! Be a true feminist, and make! him! cum!
MIDDLETOWN, CT – Wesleyan University has always been known as a progressive campus, in terms of its social life, political activism, and tech use. However, this progressive attitude may have come back to haunt its students ahead of the 2018 midterm elections this Tuesday. According to the social media director for the instagram account of the NYC Board of Elections (@boeNYC), they have received 127 direct messages, or “DMs,” from Wesleyan students attempting to send in their absentee ballots.
Sophomore Austin Malonee notes, “I mean this is 2018. Who even uses envelopes and mail services anymore? Plus like, if they’re going to have their instagram on public, they should expect these kinds of things. Just like screenshot it or something.”
Although they declined to be interviewed, Social Media Director for the Board of Elections, Maria Sokolov, pointed out that “the instagram features almost exclusively tips on how to properly vote,” and that “[the students] really had to ignore all of the posts to even consider this course of action.”
With election day finally upon us, will the Wesleyan campus be able to break free of its millennial/Gen-Y/Generation Z mindset in order to engage with democracy? I guess we’ll have to find out.
MIDDLETOWN, CT — Since arriving on campus last year, the Resource Center has been doing its part to make individuals and student groups more aware of their social justice discourses. At times, students have looked to the center for personal advice on how to be more “woke,” performatively lamenting their own transgressions. To keep up with demand for these self-flagellating students, the Resource Center has debuted a confessional booth for anyone wishing to report their problematic behavior.
“I tell everyone I’m bisexual, but I actually reinforce a lot of heteronormative practices in my dating life,” one confessor, Helen Polk ’21 admitted. “I’ll make out with girls at parties but I only end up in long-term situations with dudes.”
Students of all backgrounds, not just Catholics, have been embracing this absolution of guilt.
“I interrupted a girl in my sociology class,” Steven Green ’19 said. “She was making a really good point but I also had a really good point and I just barreled through her. I feel really bad about it.”
After confessing, some students have reported they feel freer to repeat the same offensive behavior, but now with a more black-and-white perception of right and wrong. For others, this confessional marks the first genuine moment of self-reflection they’ve experienced since arriving at Wesleyan.
“I wear thrifted clothes and play up my ambiguous queerness so people forget my class privilege,” a student who wish to remained anonymous confessed. “Everyone is rich at Wesleyan anyway, right?”