HOUSTON, TX — On March 17, 2020, local cowboy and Texas native Buck Willicker unknowingly experienced his very last rodeo. Due to current pandemic climate, all rodeos beyond 2020 have been henceforth canceled, and unbeknownst to the rough rider, he would soon die in a tragic bull-riding accident after learning he is red-green colorblind.
“This ain’t my first rodeo,” the jaded cowboy remarked, blithely ignorant to the fact that it would also be his last.
Houston officials, despite warnings of coronavirus, continued their bovine celebration nonplussed. Each event took place with its usual gumption, from calf-wrangling to mutton-busting. Willicker, at the peak of his barrel-racing career, was expecting to take home nearly $10,000 in prize money, which he would soon blow almost entirely on jumbo margaritas.
“I’m not afraid of no COVID-19, or however old she says she is,” Willicker was overheard muttering to a cowpoke. “Where I’m from, we have an old-fashioned welcome for whatever wants to try and encroach on our freedoms.”
Willicker reportedly cocked his gun at an employee, “to prove a point.” Unfortunately for the groundskeeper of good old Southern values, he would never get to threaten the life of a livestock official again.
It’s time to talk about the elephant in the room: The Groundhog is pretty male-skewed. We love women, but for some reason women don’t love us. Instead of reflecting deeply on the latent sexism in comedy writing, we came up with the next best thing: a complete redesign, made special for the ladies. Just like pink razors, pink LEGOs, and pink self-defense pepper spray, we’ve designed the new Groundhog to appeal especially to women, to make their needs heard. We’re proud to introduce: The Beaver. It’s the Groundhog, but for women.
Not enough for you? We’re pivoting all of our reporting to the kind of coverage that women just can’t get enough of. You’re getting Lifestyle, Food, Fashion, Style, Health, Foodstyle, Life Fashion, and a brand-new advice column specifically for how to get your 30-year-old boyfriend to do the dishes and/or give you an orgasm more than three times a year. Men, am I right, ladies?
The Beaver can’t wait to satisfy all your womanly needs. We’re also launching a merchandise section of feminine products such as $40 white T-shirts that say “I’m A Woman. Is There A Problem?” and “Girl Power!” with a public domain image of Rosie the Riveter, but she has a septum piercing. Please let us capitalize off of your sense of empowerment.
So you see, there’s no way you can accuse us of sexism. We’ve heard you, and we’ve changed. Look out for upcoming articles in the works, such as “Feel Good About Your Body, But Keep Dieting Though” and “How to Use Astrology to Justify Your Breakup.” The Beaver wants to help you embrace your womanhood, and above all, never look beyond it.
SANTA’S WORKSHOP, NORTH POLE – In a startling new Christmas development, Jeff Bezos has announced that Amazon will be absorbing Santa’s Workshop at the North Pole. Santa Claus has been struggling to keep up with demand for a while, and admits that Amazon’s state-of-the-art shipping system rivals the jolly old elf himself.
“I mean, we’ve been relying on reindeer technology for decades,” Claus said. “We had a jump on the whole globalization thing, but the Information Age has caught up to us. Amazon has cornered the online delivery market, plus their labor laws are even more depraved than mine. Like, I enslave childlike elves for their entire lives with no pay, but Amazon is on another level.”
Bezos is happy with the acquisition, citing the North Pole’s lax regulations on corporate businesses.
“We’re gonna bring a lot of jobs up north,” Bezos’ representative said in a press announcement. “With all the ice that’s melting, trickle-down economics have never been more applicable.”
Amazon’s technological advances will also revamp Santa’s surveillance models.
“At first, I had to keep a list and check it twice,” Claus said. “Now, I just monitor their shopping history and Internet browser activity with the help of my good pal Mr. Zuckerberg.”
So this Christmas eve, remember to leave out milk and cookies! It’s the only food your underpaid delivery person will get.
Middletown, CT- Sources who have seen nature in the area confirm that it is in fact that time of year when trees go out of their way to show off. Changing from the traditional green leaves to the totally unnecessary orange, red, and yellow, trees have once again have decided to spend three whole months showboating.
“I can change my clothes too” said Jake Gormule ‘22, “but you don’t see me bragging about it! I don’t devote a whole season to switching up my color scheme.” Other students displayed similar scorn when questioned on trees’ most recent bout of boasting. “It’s not even a surprise or anything anymore,” expressed Ruby Franklin ‘21. “They do this like, every year.”
When questioned, hardly any Wesleyan students were impressed. One Keith Pollard ‘20, however, saw the silver lining. “Yeah, sure, this senseless bragging is kind of obnoxious,” commented the current junior, “but it’s better than in a few weeks when the fucking creeps are naked all the time.”
MIDDLETOWN, CT — Following Rice University’s announcement to offer full ride scholarships to middle and low income students, Wesleyan President Michael Roth thought of a way he could gain publicity for the school without actually making a difference.
“This logo marks the beginning of a new era for Wesleyan,” Roth announced. “WesTech is a privatized, innovative new startup bent on making higher education irrelevant.”
This new logo and direction for the school has drawn sufficient critiques from nearly all students at what was formerly known as Wesleyan University.
“I could have made this on Apple Preview in fifteen minutes,” one student bemoaned.
Roth did not seem perturbed by the reaction, and in fact seemed strengthened by their disapproval.
“WesTech’s main policy is to democratize the learning process by making the students do all the work while the administration maintains its laissez-faire practice of doing nothing,” Roth said.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – Following a misunderstanding regarding the appearance of an equine character at Wesleyan on Netflix’s Bojack Horseman, President Michael Roth implemented a controversial affirmative action campaign aimed at horses. “It’s been brought to my attention that only one student identifying as a horse goes to this institution” Roth announced yesterday, entirely confused as to what was going on and what is wanted of him by the student body. “I will do my best to rectify that immediately.”
“I showed Roth a screenshot from Bojack and mentioned that kids on campus were excited about it,” says an anonymous source inside the president’s’ office. “He told me to shut up and that he would deal with it. I had no idea that this is what he meant.”
Students all over campus are both confused and befuddled by President Roth’s newest decisions. “I mean, yeah, I was psyched to see Wes on TV, but that doesn’t mean I think horses should be students here,” said Harriet Kilborne ‘21, calling into question the president’s understanding of what is ‘hip’, ‘woke’, or even vaguely logical. “I mean yeah, I kind of get where he’s coming from maybe, but at this point it’s so off base I don’t even know what to say.”
At crunch time Roth asserted that he was committed to listening to the student body and was trying to do what they were calling for. “That said, you know, I’m not going to change my mind” the university president commented before adding that Sorry to Bother You had also been a big influence on his decision.
MIDDLETOWN, CT — As finals end and R+C heads underway, soon-to-be college grad Ron Butler ’18 gears up for a week of debauchery. Little does he know he is about to enter the downward slope of his life.
“I’ve got big plans after graduation,” Butler said excitedly outside of his Warren St. residence. “I’m going to New York and spearheading my buddy’s start-up.”
Butler’s eyes are so full of hope and entrepreneurial spirit. He doesn’t even realize that he has already reached his peak as the captain of the intramural frisbee team who has sex upwards of twice a week. In the future, Ron’s alcoholism, once pardoned, will finally catch up to him, and he will completely lose his adolescent metabolism in favor of a permanent dad-bod.
Butler will be receiving a diploma in Economics and a Data Analysis minor on Sunday, which will then collect dust in his office when he eventually moves out to Cleveland for a mid-level management position.