EVANSTON, IL — On May 17, 2020, Wesleyan seniors gathered behind their laptop screens to celebrate the greatest accomplishment of their undergraduate careers. Although separated by the tragedies of a sudden pandemic, the class of 2020 stood staid to receive their diplomas with the grace and significance such a moment deserves. That is, until the cat started hacking up a really huge one, even for him.
As President Michael Roth delivered his commencement address to the grief-stricken seniors, he emphasized the role of resilience in these uncertain times, and how far the class has come in terms of their academic achievements. These praises did not ring as meaningfully as they might have been if Toaster hadn’t eaten so many cat treats the night before.
“Jesus Christ, Toaster,” Will Nattick ’20 chided, forgetting to mute his microphone on Zoom. “Do you have to do that on the carpet?”
Toaster appeared not to notice Nattick’s suggestions, too preoccupied with the massive obstruction working its way up his little kitty throat. In the background, Nattick’s name had been called with a virtual message of “Congratulations.”
Nattick’s first act as a college graduate was to clean up Toaster’s mess before it sunk too deep into the carpet fibers.
MIDDLETOWN, CT— Following the success of their 4/20 and Thanksgiving pails, campus restaurant WesWings has introduced a holiday meal sure to rile your appetite. The new Valentine’s Day pail features the classic Swings takeout box filled to the brim with smooth-glide condoms and melted chocolate.
“We wanted something that felt romantic, but still accessible to the average cynical college student,” Swings owner Ed Thorndike ‘78 told The Groundhog. “You could eat it on your own, but it’s also big enough to split with a partner.”
In the spirit of inclusivity, Swings will also offer a dental dam option and a latex-free pail. “We thought about making the chocolate dairy-free, but we thought the post-consumption stomach pain was really important to the dining experience.” Thorndike continued. “It’s a lot like love, in that way.”
When asked to elaborate on that comparison, Thorndike refused. “This is exactly what I want out of a pail,” Sam Jellious ‘22, an avid WesWings patron, said. “It tastes kinda gross after a while and there’s no nutritional value, but if I buy it, everyone will think that I’m having sex.”
MIDDLETOWN, CT – After years of being labeled as the eating area for athletes and frat bros, the loud side of Wesleyan’s Usdan University Center will finally be getting a hibachi table. No longer will patrons of the loud side have to wait in line at Mongolian grill and then trudge all the way back to their tables; now they will be able to get their fried rice from the comfort of their seat.
“Listen I love Mongo as much as the next guy,” said Chuck Logan ‘20, captain of the rowing team. “But being able to get my six egg breakfast sandwich while sitting with my friggin dudes? PLUS an onion volcano? Nothing beats that.”
Sources close to Bon Appetit management have confirmed that the Hibachi Chef will be doing “All the classics,” like the onion volcano, and the shrimp in the pocket toss, and of course, squirting sake into the mouths of eager guests. When asked about this, Logan replied simply “It’s about time we got some long-range sake in Usdan.”
PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – The deeply contested Democratic primary race is heating up with the Iowa Caucus just one day away. However, the 24-hour Media Cycle has an early surprise as our affiliate, Punxsutawney Phil, went off-script and predicted Senator Klobuchar (D-MN) to secure the presidency after being scared back into hiding by the looming shadow of the American midwest.
Phil’s PR team quickly tried to de-politicize the event claiming it was “purely speculation” from the rodent, while his spokesperson, Karrie Hound stated that Phil “didn’t realize the mic boom fell in front of the lighting, morphing his shadow into the shape of the twelve states that form what is the midwestern United States.” However, it wasn’t long before Klobuchar’s campaign jumped on the endorsement of her inevitability, releasing a 2-minute ad with the slogan “Gopher Phil is a Go-For Klobuchar.”
Klobuchar’s primary opponents had an array of responses to the matter. Potential democratic nominee Pete Buttigieg vocalized his surprise with the prediction due to his and Phil’s shared common ancestry, while Senator Sanders, on the other hand, was surprised that Phil deviated from the American Groundhog Union’s (AGU) endorsement of him just one week prior.
When asked if the prediction hurt his chances to win the primaries, Joe Biden began talking about a hedgehog he once met, before falling into problematic discussions of race relations in the 1970s. In a similar vein, President Donald Trump tweeted a claim that Phil was a “KNOW NOTHING GROUNDHOG,” who “isn’t even trusted by groundhog insiders,” before he too fell into a problematic rant on race relations in the 1970s.
WASHINGTON D.C. – Following news last night that the United States House of Representatives voted to impeach, President Donald Trump frantically went on Google to try and figure out what that meant. Only the third U.S. President to ever be impeached by congress, Trump is in fact the first to have no fucking clue what it means.
“I’m always hungry,” said the president when he first heard the news late last night, “but I hate fruit. Thanks very much, but I don’t think I want an impeach. He then went on to ask if it was something involving “that Italy gays movie,” but was also informed that that wasn’t the case.
At crunch time, sources close to the president have reported that he is still trying to log on to his phone in order to access google, attempting to guess whether his password is “69”, “6969”, or “696969;)”. He still has no idea who, what, or where impeachment is.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – Wesleyan student Jake Maroney ’20 arrived at a halloween party this past weekend dressed as what he call ‘a pointy ghost’. When every single person at the party responded negatively to the costume, Maroney didn’t know what was going on.
“Ghosts are, like, a classic halloween costume,” argued the college senior, “and I just changed it up a bit by making the ghost pointy. What’s the issue?” Nearly everyone at the party immediately pointed out the issue, but Maroney refused to listen.
When questioned, no one even really understood where the idea to do a pointy ghost costume came from. “What the hell is a ‘pointy ghost’?” asked Lauren Billard ’21. “Does Jake think that’s a thing?” Numerous other partygoers were asked, but no one had ever heard of a ‘pointy ghost’ as a thing. One friend said “At first I thought Jake was racist, but now I know he’s just stupid.”
“I mean, like, sharp things are scary. So a pointy ghost is scarier?” Maroney claimed, but dutifully removing his costume and revealing a sexy cat underneath.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – As another year begins at Wesleyan, the long handled scoop at Usdan’s ice cream station continues its uninterrupted reign of terror. Intimidating each and every would-be ice cream eater that enters its realm, the long handled scoop dominates the minds of Wesleyan students.
“I can’t get ice cream without sweating,” said Greg Connors (‘20), a senior who has enjoyed ice cream since his freshman year. “I’m no novice, and still the scoop scares me. I mean, I have nightmares about it.” Connors isn’t the only one. “It’s just too long!” said Julia Little (‘23), a freshman who had recently encountered the spectre-like scoop for the first time. “I gave up mid-scoop, and I swear I could hear it laughing at me as I fled.” Several other Usdan diners expressed similar opinions to Connors and Little but preferred to remain anonymous, for fear that the scoop would target them personally.
Freshmen and Upperclassmen alike venture into the scoop’s lair with hubristic confidence that they can handle any ice cream scoop. Little do they know how absurdly long the handle of the scoop is. Many leave the ice cream station driven mad by the length of the ice cream utensil, never to be the same.