MIDDLETOWN, CT – Following a campus-wide shutdown in the wake of an international pandemic, Wesleyan President Michael Roth was quick to see the bright side of the situation. “Though I sympathize with all of the students for whom displacement is heartbreaking and an extreme hardship,” said President Roth when asked to comment, “Wesleyan is finally a safe enough space.”
When asked, Roth clarified that he wasn’t referring to the campus being safe from the COVID-9 virus, but rather “toxic disagreement and other forms of problematic rhetoric.” The university president seems to be referring to the arguments posed in his 2019 book Safe Enough Spaces: A Pragmatist’s Approach to Inclusion, Free Speech, and Political Correctness on College Campuses. “Really, this is exactly the sort of situation I had advised,” said Roth. “Chapter 12 discusses how a worldwide pandemic is the perfect situation to really make a campus a safe space for its inhabitants.”
“If no students are able to assemble in groups larger than 5 people, then it’s very difficult for there to be any free speech issues, do you see?” Roth cackled, when asked to explain himself. “That’s what makes this such a beautiful situation.” He then went on to add — in a somewhat sinister tone of voice — that if he had his way, the whole world would be ‘safe enough’ by the end of the year. “And then they’ll see what old Mikey Roth was talking about,” he added. “Then they’ll all see the value of a liberal arts education.”
MIDDLETOWN, CT — In a huge hit to the queer community, student-run café Espwesso has announced that they will be nearing bankruptcy by the end of the Fall 2019 semester. The café known for giving away free coffee as a central tenet to its business model is completely perplexed as to how they ended up broke.
“It seemed like a flawless plan from the beginning,” financial manager Sam Jellious said. “You give the coffee away, the customer doesn’t pay for it, and money appears in your account every week. We don’t know what went wrong.”
On top of completely free drip coffee, Espwesso has also boasted absurdly low prices for its esp(w)esso-based drinks. Competitors such as Pi Café and Usdan Café charge up to 1.5 points more per drink, with the added benefit of cold, premixed salads and Icelandic yogurt selections.
“I go to Espwesso to do work all the time,” sophomore Tina Mueller shared. “It took me until this interview to realize that they even sold anything.”
“I stopped going to Espwesso because every girl I’ve ever hooked up with studies there,” one student who asked to remain anonymous said. “That, and I simply don’t agree with jazz or improv—for political reasons. I don’t think public spaces should host those kinds of events.”
With a beloved study space on the verge of collapse, many are going into dire straits to save Espwesso from the brink and liven up their business model.
“Maybe if we started calling it ‘Wespresso,’ more people would come,” Jellious said.
MIDDLETOWN, CT — The biggest weekend of the fall semester has come and gone, folks! With Halloween on a Thursday this year, Halloweekend extended past its normal October boundaries to continue into November 1st and 2nd. Some students sported creative costumes for all three days of the drunken extravaganza, but only one complete weirdo left his costume on through Sunday and Monday.
“I saw him at the football game on Saturday and I thought, ‘Oh, cool, he’s wearing his costume during the day. That’s kinda weird, but I can vibe with it,'” one sophomore Deidre Birkenstock noted. “But then I saw him at lunch in Usdan and I realized he’s still wearing that freaky suit.”
The person behind the unnerving bird suit has yet been unnamed, but his presence has shocked and disturbed visiting parents, alums, and students alike.
“This is getting weird, man,” Michael Toblerone ’20 said. “What’s the meaning behind the costume? Is it a sex thing? Why is he normally surrounded by a group of girls in skirts?”
Loud side correspondents have attempted to shed light on the mysterious phenomenon, but their explanations were incoherent. Their talk of Saturday morning rituals and “school spirit” only raised our suspicions of a possible satanic Halloween cult in our midst.
“Dude, he’s supposed to be wearing that,” football player John Licklehooper insisted. “We can’t win without our Dirty Bird there on the sidelines.”
There’s no way of knowing for sure why that particular student has chosen this lifestyle, but for the sake of our mental wellbeing, we hope it stops soon.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – Hark! On a sheet of parchment on the front steps of North College, a challenge was issued by none other than President Roth himself. The parchment read as follows: “Those gents who is’t possesseth the pow’r to wield the longeth ice cream scoop from Usdan shall beest mine own immediate success’rs”.
Many students have tried in vain to control the raw power that the scoop exudes. Those who have come close to wielding the untempered energy of the long scoop immediately found themselves on the edge of fainting. One student commented, “After many minutes of struggling to coordinate myself in direct opposition to the scoop’s primordial behest, I blacked out and woke up during Late Night”.
Among the absolute chaos both the long scoop and its puppet, Michael Roth, had sought out, one freshman faced the challenge with a vigor that exceeded that of previous attempts. Walking in from the quiet side, the mysterious and noble hero placed their hand onto the scoop, left sitting in the Narragansett cookie flavor, with grace. They then wielded the scoop with such ease that the student could not have been anything less than a demigod. It is clear that this student, that soon disappeared (likely to take their position), is absolutely worthy.
We recommend that the student body welcome our new leader with open arms. It is best not to disrespect a being with that sheer amount of raw power.
The wait is over. After many students have expressed frustration surrounding Usdan’s uncomfortably long ice cream scoops, Bon Appetit has unveiled brand new, girthier stainless steel scoops. The added weight and heft is meant to ease scooping for the less-endowed ice cream lovers.
“We’ve heard your complaints” a Bon Appetit representative said. “The Usdan ice cream scoop was always long, but now it’s also girthy.”
The new thicker scoops require a two-handed grip for the full load of creamy goodness. For best results, put on a Sufjan Stevens Spotify playlist to allow the ice cream to soften.
“I’ve always been embarrassed to scoop ice cream in Usdan because it just took too long and my arms would get tired,” first-year Alex Oneida said. “But this chode scoop gets the job done in half the time.”
So the next time you reach for a fat scoop of corn-flavored ice cream, enjoy the comfort and convenience of the revolutionary new handle. You won’t ever go back.
MIDDLETOWN, CT— As the new school year kicks up, Club Fair is an exciting way to give young first-years a taste of campus extracurricular life. The bustling array of tables and club leaders can often make an underclassman’s head spin. With so many options, how do you choose? It’s simple: you don’t. Every year, freshman’s eyes are bigger than their stomachs, signing up for millions of clubs they will never attend a single meeting for. Is it greedy? Yes, but the world is their oyster.
For one young first-year, being dropped into a new social circle with no prior hangups has resulted in an intense form of extracurricular promiscuity. Simply just excited by the idea of being desirable to someone, the young 18-year-old signed his name away to over 50 clubs, with zero plans to commit to any of them.
“Bread Salvage seems wholesome, and kind of familiar to what I did in high school,” Martin Rhojah ’23 said. “But Podcast Club is so fresh and new, and a little bit edgy. It’s intriguing, for sure.”
When asked whether he will at least attend the initial interest meetings for any of the clubs he signed up for, Rhojah seemed less enthused.
“I mean, I have a lot on my plate right now as it is,” he said. “I can’t prioritize any one thing. I’m just getting my feet in the water, figuring out who I am. For that reason, I need to keep things pretty casual.”
Sadly for Rhojah, most of the clubs he expressed interest in are looking for more experienced upperclassmen anyway.
HARTFORD, CT – On May 1st the Connecticut Supreme Court heard oral arguments in the Kent Literary Club (KLC) v. Wesleyan University case. Unfortunately, the proceedings came to a halt after Wesleyan gave their piece and DKE announced that they “don’t really do oral” but were willing to receive.
“We’ve entered a contractual relationship with DKE and it’s only fair that they uphold their end by really going down into the details of the case,” the university’s lawyer said in an opening statement. “We’d also like to note that the piece they did present was not as long or convincing as we’d expected.”
DKE’s representatives held that their response would be a “waste of time,” and that “we don’t really see what we would get out of it.” They also accused the university of giving Psi U special treatment through backdoor tactics, stating “We know that you’ve been dealing with Psi U on the back end and letting them do things that we could only dream of.” They finished their written statements by noting that they “hadn’t even begun to mention what President Roth had gotten into during his time in Alpha Delt.”
Realizing that only one side would come out of this deal satisfied, the Connecticut Supreme Court Justices adjourned for the day.
Wesleyan University’s representative concluded “If the court won’t vindicate us then we’ll just have to get off ourselves.”
MIDDLETOWN, CT – This past Friday, April 19, at approximately 9:39 pm, Wesleyan sophomore Rebekah Goldstein-Rosenberg was caught attempting to smuggle a canteen of Manischewitz wine into the 10 pm Terp show. University administrators that were on-site at the event stated that she had poured it into three separate glasses for her friends Noah Ruben ‘22 and Jenna Katz ‘21 before they proceeded to dip their fingers into their drinks and murmur in a fashion that one Public Safety officer described as “reminiscent of ancient witchcraft.” Dean of Students Richard Richardson stated that, while there was certainly controversy around the incident, he had full faith that P-Safe was executing their jobs to perfection, particularly when they reportedly heard threats of “blood” and “murder of the first-borns.” Although Dean Dick was unsure as to the cause behind the students’ actions, he speculated that it was likely a part of the “disruptive protests” of the administration that had occurred on campus recently.
However, this is not the same story reported by Rebekah and her friends. In her statement to the Groundhog, Rebekah claimed that they “came to TERP because we were really excited to participate in an integral aspect of the Wesleyan Experience™.” Unfortunately, they ran into a problem when Passover, a supposed holiday in the Jewish religion, landed on the date of the performance. “We wanted to be able to come out and perform in a quintessential Wes event, while still participating in the cultural and religious activities that are important to us,” began Noah Ruben, while Jenna Katz chimed in that “Frankly, this situation as a whole is absurd! We weren’t even drinking the Manischewitz, much less performing witchcraft, which, as a claim, is just blatant anti-semitism.”
While the administration comes to final decisions for the punishments for these three students, we are sure that the student body will be keen to express their own voices and opinions. However, we here at the Groundhog do want to note that we find it suspicious that these students only identified as “Jew-ish” rather than “full-on Jew,” as we’d assume a true Jew would. Nonetheless, let us hope that the situation figures itself out efficiently and fairly, and teaches us an important lesson about disrupting future TERP performances.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – Wesleyan President Michael Roth was recently seen running around the college campus with a water gun full of gasoline, yelling “divest this!” at the top of his lungs. Though Wesleyan students had known for a long time that the university’s administration was far from cooperative on the issue of divesting from oil, students didn’t expect to get blasted in the face by a squirt of crude oil while leaving classes.
When asked if he would ever consider recommending a plan of divestment to the Wesleyan board of trustees, President Roth replied that he would do it “if anyone can catch me”, before proceeding to strip naked, grease himself up in petroleum, and sprint down Foss Hill.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – Machiavellian mastermind President Michael Roth has once again outmaneuvered the students of Wesleyan, shutting down the campus’ nightlife just in time for his birthday, all but forcing them all to attend his paintball party. “I wish I could be upset even, but I just have to respect him,” said senior socialite Lou Harrison ‘19. “As per usual, Roth’s cunning has surpassed all expectations. If we want to party, we’ll have to go play paintball with him.”
Only a few days after an email went out to all seniors announcing that parties in wood frames were essentially banned, fliers went up all over campus inviting students to an event called “Michael Roth’s Birthday Spectacular”, an event that will be hosted Friday night in Beckham hall. With such activities as paintball, a bouncy castle, and a live performance by Michael Roth’s Genesis cover band.
This is only the most recent in a long line of Roth’s dastardly machinations. Previous examples of his strategic masterstrokes include very cleverly not funding CAPS and airing his beef with his son for everyone to see.