New Chapel Bell-Ringer Goes Through Another Round of Humiliating Initiation

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Two weeks ago Paul Pollola ‘22 was brought into the fold of the Wesleyan Bell-Ringers, the most exclusive secret society on campus, and has been forced to do an unimaginable number of horrific tasks in the time since. “I thought since the only other member of the society was Ted (Greene, ‘19), hazing would be pretty low-key,” said Pollola, while struggling to finish an enormous bell that had been filled with beer. “But the opposite has really been true, I’ve really been put through the ringer.”

It’s long been rumored that the Bell-Ringers have the most elaborate initiation process of any of the secret societies on campus, and now it’s been confirmed. With tasks ranging from having to ring bells while running across hot coals to having to ring bells while being dunked repeatedly into a toilet, new initiates are truly put through the ringer.

“Back in my day, we used to have to figure how to play dubstep on the Chapel Bells! Do you have any idea how hard that is? Those songs have almost no bells!” reported Greene, the ringleader and only other member of the society. He then went on, adding “Oh and if you messed up they’d spank you with a cricket bat.”

Members of both Skull and Serpent and Mystical Seven were not willing to go on record, but did agree that what Pollola had to go through made their respective initiations look like nothing. “I mean we had to do some crazy stuff,” said one anonymous secret society member. “But I heard the Bell-Ringers have to eat a bell, poop it out, and then eat it again. I mean, they really get put through the ringer.”

UCAB Hosts Singles’ Valentine’s Orgy

MIDDLETOWN, CT – In honor of everybody’s favorite celebration of love, the Usdan Center Activities Board (UCAB) will be hosting a Sober Singles’ Valentine’s Orgy this Friday, February 15th, on the second floor of the Usdan University Center. UCAB’s Twitter advertised the advent as “a safe, sober, atmosphere where students are encouraged to fuck out their stresses in the name of love for the Wesleyan community.” Additionally noting that, “Lubricant, condoms, dental dams, gloves, and finger cots will all be provided, with the mood music chosen by our very own Ken, curator of Usdan’s loud side playlists.”

The event came as a surprise to much of the campus, with junior Jamie Andrus stating, “I never even knew UCAB threw events that people really went to. Have you ever asked someone where they were going Friday night and hoped they’d say ‘Usdan’?” Later adding “This might be the first time running into my crush in Usdan with a full mouth won’t be insanely embarrassing.”

The hype building up for the event has spread Valentine’s orgy fever around the campus rapidly. Multiple athletic teams have even banded together to make white and pink tear-off tracksuits emblazoned with the phrase “This is why… it’s called LOUD side” across the front, and a personalized picture of each athlete’s vinegar stroke on the back.

Although there has been some controversy in the past regarding space in Usdan, most UCAB members are sure students will use every table and chair for its most effective and efficient purpose, even with the expectation of mass numbers attending. Furthermore, you can be sure this Groundhog’s Staff will be poking its head out of hiding for it, even if February 2nd has long passed.

Sinful Partying Teens Swallowed by Hellpit

MIDDLETOWN – For too long we have indulged our every hedonistic whim, paying no heed to the possible punishment for our nightly sacrilege. For too long we have been greedy, lustful, gluttonous, and “sloth,” blinded to the true wrath of the almighty by our drunken hubris. For too long we have crammed into senior houses, and now we have become the architects of our own undoing.

Last Friday, a house party on Fountain was brought to a grinding halt during the third play of “Mo Bamba” when a Hellpit opened on the dance floor, pulling most of the soccer team, a bunch of freshmen and that one kid from your FYS into the fiery chasm below. Eye witness reports recall a voice from the depths calling out to the crowd. The disembodied, booming voice reportedly spoke in tongues, saying “Lorem ipsum dolor ResLife sit amet.” No expert we have contacted could decipher the ancient language, but if we were to make a conjecture, we would say it is probably not good.

The residents were pulled into a hell of their own – relocated and isolated in the Butts. There they will learn to repent. Hopefully, it will teach them to find enjoyment in prayer rather than partying.

This portal to the underworld has since been closed thanks to help from Physical Plant, but we cannot help but wonder if this will be the last. Until we return to the path of the righteous, please refrain from having any fun whatsoever.

8 Signs Your Semester Abroad Irreversibly Changed You

1. You know a lot about wine

2. You’re wearing a beret

3. Your lungs are slowly morphing into gills

4. You call any form of transportation “The Metro”

5. You have a fundamental understanding of how the British Empire irrevocably shaped the Western world

6. You’re hung like a fucking horse

7. You have been breathing underwater for 19 successive minutes now

8. You get art

I Lived It: Someone Asked Me If I Was Abroad Last Semester

MIDDLETOWN, CT — Entering spring semester at Wesleyan University, I was prepared to see a lot of fresh faces on campus. Juniors are returning from their abroad experiences eager to dive back into life at Wes. I, however, was not one of those juniors. I’ve been here the whole time. Imagine my surprise, disdain, and horror, then, when a fellow junior I split an Uber with asked me if I was abroad last semester. She had not seen me around. How dare she? Have I not been going out enough? Has my mark on this community been so fleeting, so inconsequential, that it doesn’t even matter if I’m here at all? Have I might as well just existed on the other side of the planet for all the difference I’ve made in this person’s life? Does my small yet committed Letterboxd following mean NOTHING? (I only gave The Favourite 4 stars in a show of jaw-dropping self-restraint). It doesn’t matter. Nothing I do matters anymore. I didn’t go abroad last semester, but maybe, in a way, I did. Maybe I was the broad the whole time.

Groundhog Renders Wesleying Obsolete With Launch of Its Own Points Calculator

MIDDLETOWN, CT — For the better part of a decade, Wesleying has clung to relevancy among the smorgasbord of student publications with its state-of-the-art points calculator, allowing students to budget their meal plan without going hungry. (Anything less would be dangerous and irresponsible.) However, the Groundhog has been encroaching on Wesleying’s turf since 2016 with its own brand of humorous content. Now, the coup is complete with the launch of the Groundhog’s very own Points Calculator!

The Groundhog’s Points Calculator is a text-in service, personalized to your own eating habits. This cutting-edge technology will not only approximate how many points you have left, it will also guess what kind of food you’re most likely to spend your points on. Instead of ordering a Buffalo Chicken Salad from Summies to eat in your room alone, you can find out exactly how many more “salads” you can order this semester before begging on the staircase of Usdan! Simply text your number of points to 832-657-7117 and we will respond with exactly what you need to do to last out the semester.

Ex. “I have 500 points left and five weeks left in the semester!”

GPC: “I think you’re good?”

“Help! I only have 200 points left and it’s not even Thanksgiving!”

GPC: “Shit that’s crazy lol. Good luck tho.”

“Will my 1000 points plan last me through the spring?”

GPC: “Ehhh….yeah.”

Well there you have it! Sorry, Wesleying— you still have the Star and Crescent Menu.

Female Fraternity Brother Insists She Is Represented Equally

MIDDLETOWN, CT – When a historically male fraternity went “co-ed” a few years ago, rumors circulated about said “deconstruction of historical power hierarchies through the inclusion of women.” We spoke with an unnamed female-identifying brother about her membership in the fraternity.

“I just don’t see ‘brother’ as a gendered term anymore,” she said, standing under multiple composites of endearing white men from the early 20th century. “I definitely think the word is changing, and doesn’t really mean just men anymore.”

When asked if she ever called the men in her fraternity “sisters,” she thought about it for a minute. “No,” she answered. “That would be weird. They’re obviously boys.”


The 7 Best Places to Cry on Campus (That Aren’t Your Bedroom)

We’ve all been there: you need to cry, but for whatever reason your room isn’t an option. Maybe it’s far away; maybe you’ve been sexiled; maybe you live in a Clark triple. Here you can find a range of options for places to cry, including descriptions of each along with the best time, motive, and volume for crying in each location.

Usdan Late Night:

From 9:30pm-1:00am seven days a week, Usdan serves up a variety of greasy cuisine that will make you feel better for a little while and then much, much worse.For those who choose to get their food to stay, there is a special treat: an ideal spot for a late-night cry to go along with your late-night snack. This is a great spot for interspersing your lamenting with work on an assignment that’s due the next morning. It’s rarely heavily populated, and most people are sitting alone eating and working–therefore they won’t pay much attention to you.

Best time: Open 9:30pm-1:00am; best time to go is after 11 to minimize number of people likely to be there

Motive: Best for academia-related crying

Volume: You could probably get to a medium-high volume without drawing too much attention to yourself, depending on how loud your fellow diners are

Allbritton 311 Penthouse:

If you’re willing to make the trek up all those stairs or spend the time waiting for the elevator, the top floor of Allbritton (officially Allbritton 311 but what I call the Allbritton Penthouse because I like feeling like Gossip Girl) offers a lovely spot for some weeping with a view. If the weather’s nice you can step out onto the balcony and look out over Middletown while you cry–almost, but not quite, making you feel like you’re in a music video. Even if it’s not balcony-friendly weather, it’s still a great spot for a nice, elegant weeping session. What’s nice about this place is that you can easily bring a buddy in case it’s the kind of emotions that a friend can guide you through. The downside is that it’s a popular spot for hosting events so you may be interrupted by a guest lecturer or an improv group.

Best time: Whenever there’s not an event (daytime is your best bet)

Motive: Any motive will do!

Volume: I would keep it on the quieter side as sound travels surprisingly well through the Allbritton staircase

Foss Hill:

Sometimes you gotta say: “Fuck it, I’m going to cry on Foss.” Obviously this is more feasible when there’s not snow on the ground or when it’s not raining but the truly committed will find a way to make it work year-round. What’s nice about Foss is that its atmosphere is very dependent on outside circumstances and events. You can cry during Tent Party while contemplating the inevitable passage of time or you can sniffle during Spring Fling because you saw your crush making out with someone else. There are certainly times of the year when Foss is covered with young people, but don’t be afraid to brave harsher weather even if it means you’re the only person on the hill.

Best time: Evening

Motive: Best for existential crises

Volume: Any volume you want! You’re outside! No rules!

Senior Backyards:

Crying in the backyards between Fountain Ave and Pine Ave is a very specific maneuver that should not be attempted by those new to public emotional displays. Note that I’m not recommending going into a stranger’s backyard to cry; rather, I encourage you to consider the merits of crying during a party in the senior backyards when the weather is nice near the beginning or end of the academic year. While there are often small areas reserved for dancing, the majority of the space will be full of people milling around, usually in pairs or small groups. This is an ideal time to cry to a friend about any number of social woes: trouble in a friendship, a certain someone not texting you back, or worse the wrong someone having the audacity to text you out of the blue. On a typical evening everyone will be too focused on the trajectory of their own nights to pay you any heed, and once you get out your emotions you have the options of dancing to rejuvenate or going home to sleep it off.

Best time: Late in the night; 1am-3am is ideal

Motive: Best for interpersonal issues

Volume: As long as the music is nice and loud you can be as loud as you need to be

Secret Science Library Study Room:

While studying for midterms during my first semester at Wesleyan I discovered a secret study room in Exley. It’s always empty, clean, and quiet; it’s the perfect size for one person and I’ve never met anyone else who knows about it. I can’t give you any more information, but trust me, it’s a great place to hole up and cry. This is another great spot to have a sobbing and studying combo session, especially because it’s on a dead end hallway that gets very little traffic. This is a nice spot because the chances are high that no one will find you so you can take your time in processing through your feelings and regaining your composure. I would recommend crying here after you’ve had a long, stressful day or week and something small is the final straw to send you into a meltdown.

Best time: Early evening (before you really settle into studying)

Motive: Emotional relief after a tough time

Volume: Medium

Music Studios:

There comes a time in every student’s life when they need the extra protection of a sound-proofed room to do some crying: that’s where the practice rooms come in. These rooms are on the lower level of the music studios building in the Center for the Arts. What’s great about these rooms is that there are plenty of them and they’re largely sound-proofed; what’s less ideal is that they have glass doors so anyone walking down the hall can look in and see you. I would argue, however, that the pros outweigh the cons, as if you don’t want to be seen you can always position yourself in the corner that’s hidden from view of the hall. The wifi down here is very spotty so it’s a nice chance to pretend to disconnect from social media for a while and do some private reflection.

Best time: Daytime; area will be busier in the evening with people actually wanting to practice music

Motive: Reflective crying

Volume: Any volume you want! It’s soundproofed!

Steps of Olin Memorial Library:

While many of us have wonderfully supportive communities here on campus, you will probably, at some point, need to cry while on the phone with someone. The best place for this is on the steps of Olin Memorial Library. I personally would recommend this as a great spot to cry while on the phone with your mom questioning every decision you’ve ever made. People walking in and out of the library will be unfazed because the steps are such a popular spot for emotional outbursts. Just be sure to sit on the sides of the steps rather than in the middle so as to avoid blocking traffic.

Best time: Literally anytime. Can be its own trip to Olin or a study break while your friend watches your stuff. For an extra-special power move, try a weekend night

Motive: Homesickness; feeling out of place; questioning your life decisions

Volume: On the quieter side

Please keep in mind that this list is far from comprehensive; rather, it is meant to give a sense of some overlooked gems for emotional release here on the campus of Wesleyan University. There are certainly plenty of other places to let out some tears, but seek them out at your own risk: some places, like the Mongolian Grill line or the Exley Science Center lobby, will do in a pinch but are not ideal. The reality of the situation is while some of us do it more than others, everyone can benefit a good cry now and then, especially in an environment as emotionally, mentally, and physically taxing as college. Whether it’s because of interpersonal, academic, financial, familial, or mental health challenges, I wish you all the best in your crying and I promise you’ll feel at least a little better after.

Student DMs Absentee Ballot

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Wesleyan University has always been known as a progressive campus, in terms of its social life, political activism, and tech use. However, this progressive attitude may have come back to haunt its students ahead of the 2018 midterm elections this Tuesday. According to the social media director for the instagram account of the NYC Board of Elections (@boeNYC), they have received 127 direct messages, or “DMs,” from Wesleyan students attempting to send in their absentee ballots.

Sophomore Austin Malonee notes, “I mean this is 2018. Who even uses envelopes and mail services anymore? Plus like, if they’re going to have their instagram on public, they should expect these kinds of things. Just like screenshot it or something.”

Although they declined to be interviewed, Social Media Director for the Board of Elections, Maria Sokolov, pointed out that “the instagram features almost exclusively tips on how to properly vote,” and that “[the students] really had to ignore all of the posts to even consider this course of action.”

With election day finally upon us, will the Wesleyan campus be able to break free of its millennial/Gen-Y/Generation Z mindset in order to engage with democracy? I guess we’ll have to find out.

Communism, Capitalism Caught Making Out on Dance Floor

MIDDLETOWN, CT — Halloweekend has always been a chance for Wesleyan students to show off their ability to make pithy social commentary while still dressing sluttily. Concept costumes like “Liberal Snowflake,” “Me From the Future,” and “Cuffing Season” are a few of the most popular examples, but sometimes these quirky costumes have ironic, unintended consequences. Saturday night, Communism and Capitalism were found DFMO-ing (Dance Floor Making Out) in Movement House.

“It looks like the Cold War is heating up,” spectator Killian Frank ’21 said.

Although some claim that the two cannot coexist in harmony, the dance floor on that fateful night proved otherwise. The two political ideologies were really finding common ground, grasping for all sorts of straws and body parts to come to some ideological union.

“This reminds me of that time I saw a Bernie bro call his mom to refill his points plan….in September,” another partygoer Jane Brer ’22 said.

Although Halloweekend allows for the impossible to briefly become possible, the next morning, the spell will wear off, and the two star-crossed lovers will likely never speak again.