“Divest This!” Michael Roth Gleefully Cries as He Runs Around Campus With a Super-Soaker Full of Gasoline

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Wesleyan President Michael Roth was recently seen running around the college campus with a water gun full of gasoline, yelling “divest this!” at the top of his lungs. Though Wesleyan students had known for a long time that the university’s administration was far from cooperative on the issue of divesting from oil, students didn’t expect to get blasted in the face by a squirt of crude oil while leaving classes.

When asked if he would ever consider recommending a plan of divestment to the Wesleyan board of trustees, President Roth replied that he would do it “if anyone can catch me”, before proceeding to strip naked, grease himself up in petroleum, and sprint down Foss Hill.

Checkmate, Students: Michael Roth Shuts Down Campus Parties Just In Time for His Birthday Spectacular

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Machiavellian mastermind President Michael Roth has once again outmaneuvered the students of Wesleyan, shutting down the campus’ nightlife just in  time for his birthday, all but forcing them all to attend his paintball party. “I wish I could be upset even, but I just have to respect him,” said senior socialite Lou Harrison ‘19. “As per usual, Roth’s cunning has surpassed all expectations. If we want to party, we’ll have to go play paintball with him.”

Only a few days after an email went out to all seniors announcing that parties in wood frames were essentially banned, fliers went up all over campus inviting students to an event called “Michael Roth’s Birthday Spectacular”, an event that will be hosted Friday night in Beckham hall. With such activities as paintball, a bouncy castle, and a live performance by Michael Roth’s Genesis cover band.

This is only the most recent in a long line of Roth’s dastardly machinations. Previous examples of his strategic masterstrokes include very cleverly not funding CAPS and airing his beef with his son for everyone to see.

New Chapel Bell-Ringer Goes Through Another Round of Humiliating Initiation

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Two weeks ago Paul Pollola ‘22 was brought into the fold of the Wesleyan Bell-Ringers, the most exclusive secret society on campus, and has been forced to do an unimaginable number of horrific tasks in the time since. “I thought since the only other member of the society was Ted (Greene, ‘19), hazing would be pretty low-key,” said Pollola, while struggling to finish an enormous bell that had been filled with beer. “But the opposite has really been true, I’ve really been put through the ringer.”

It’s long been rumored that the Bell-Ringers have the most elaborate initiation process of any of the secret societies on campus, and now it’s been confirmed. With tasks ranging from having to ring bells while running across hot coals to having to ring bells while being dunked repeatedly into a toilet, new initiates are truly put through the ringer.

“Back in my day, we used to have to figure how to play dubstep on the Chapel Bells! Do you have any idea how hard that is? Those songs have almost no bells!” reported Greene, the ringleader and only other member of the society. He then went on, adding “Oh and if you messed up they’d spank you with a cricket bat.”

Members of both Skull and Serpent and Mystical Seven were not willing to go on record, but did agree that what Pollola had to go through made their respective initiations look like nothing. “I mean we had to do some crazy stuff,” said one anonymous secret society member. “But I heard the Bell-Ringers have to eat a bell, poop it out, and then eat it again. I mean, they really get put through the ringer.”

UCAB Hosts Singles’ Valentine’s Orgy

MIDDLETOWN, CT – In honor of everybody’s favorite celebration of love, the Usdan Center Activities Board (UCAB) will be hosting a Sober Singles’ Valentine’s Orgy this Friday, February 15th, on the second floor of the Usdan University Center. UCAB’s Twitter advertised the advent as “a safe, sober, atmosphere where students are encouraged to fuck out their stresses in the name of love for the Wesleyan community.” Additionally noting that, “Lubricant, condoms, dental dams, gloves, and finger cots will all be provided, with the mood music chosen by our very own Ken, curator of Usdan’s loud side playlists.”

The event came as a surprise to much of the campus, with junior Jamie Andrus stating, “I never even knew UCAB threw events that people really went to. Have you ever asked someone where they were going Friday night and hoped they’d say ‘Usdan’?” Later adding “This might be the first time running into my crush in Usdan with a full mouth won’t be insanely embarrassing.”

The hype building up for the event has spread Valentine’s orgy fever around the campus rapidly. Multiple athletic teams have even banded together to make white and pink tear-off tracksuits emblazoned with the phrase “This is why… it’s called LOUD side” across the front, and a personalized picture of each athlete’s vinegar stroke on the back.

Although there has been some controversy in the past regarding space in Usdan, most UCAB members are sure students will use every table and chair for its most effective and efficient purpose, even with the expectation of mass numbers attending. Furthermore, you can be sure this Groundhog’s Staff will be poking its head out of hiding for it, even if February 2nd has long passed.

Sinful Partying Teens Swallowed by Hellpit

MIDDLETOWN – For too long we have indulged our every hedonistic whim, paying no heed to the possible punishment for our nightly sacrilege. For too long we have been greedy, lustful, gluttonous, and “sloth,” blinded to the true wrath of the almighty by our drunken hubris. For too long we have crammed into senior houses, and now we have become the architects of our own undoing.

Last Friday, a house party on Fountain was brought to a grinding halt during the third play of “Mo Bamba” when a Hellpit opened on the dance floor, pulling most of the soccer team, a bunch of freshmen and that one kid from your FYS into the fiery chasm below. Eye witness reports recall a voice from the depths calling out to the crowd. The disembodied, booming voice reportedly spoke in tongues, saying “Lorem ipsum dolor ResLife sit amet.” No expert we have contacted could decipher the ancient language, but if we were to make a conjecture, we would say it is probably not good.

The residents were pulled into a hell of their own – relocated and isolated in the Butts. There they will learn to repent. Hopefully, it will teach them to find enjoyment in prayer rather than partying.

This portal to the underworld has since been closed thanks to help from Physical Plant, but we cannot help but wonder if this will be the last. Until we return to the path of the righteous, please refrain from having any fun whatsoever.

8 Signs Your Semester Abroad Irreversibly Changed You

1. You know a lot about wine

2. You’re wearing a beret

3. Your lungs are slowly morphing into gills

4. You call any form of transportation “The Metro”

5. You have a fundamental understanding of how the British Empire irrevocably shaped the Western world

6. You’re hung like a fucking horse

7. You have been breathing underwater for 19 successive minutes now

8. You get art

I Lived It: Someone Asked Me If I Was Abroad Last Semester

MIDDLETOWN, CT — Entering spring semester at Wesleyan University, I was prepared to see a lot of fresh faces on campus. Juniors are returning from their abroad experiences eager to dive back into life at Wes. I, however, was not one of those juniors. I’ve been here the whole time. Imagine my surprise, disdain, and horror, then, when a fellow junior I split an Uber with asked me if I was abroad last semester. She had not seen me around. How dare she? Have I not been going out enough? Has my mark on this community been so fleeting, so inconsequential, that it doesn’t even matter if I’m here at all? Have I might as well just existed on the other side of the planet for all the difference I’ve made in this person’s life? Does my small yet committed Letterboxd following mean NOTHING? (I only gave The Favourite 4 stars in a show of jaw-dropping self-restraint). It doesn’t matter. Nothing I do matters anymore. I didn’t go abroad last semester, but maybe, in a way, I did. Maybe I was the broad the whole time.