WASHINGTON D.C. – Following news last night that the United States House of Representatives voted to impeach, President Donald Trump frantically went on Google to try and figure out what that meant. Only the third U.S. President to ever be impeached by congress, Trump is in fact the first to have no fucking clue what it means.
“I’m always hungry,” said the president when he first heard the news late last night, “but I hate fruit. Thanks very much, but I don’t think I want an impeach. He then went on to ask if it was something involving “that Italy gays movie,” but was also informed that that wasn’t the case.
At crunch time, sources close to the president have reported that he is still trying to log on to his phone in order to access google, attempting to guess whether his password is “69”, “6969”, or “696969;)”. He still has no idea who, what, or where impeachment is.
BEDFORD, MA — This Thanksgiving break, local gay cousin Ava Blackburn has been mentally preparing herself for dysfunctional family warfare. Knowing that she is both queer and vegan, Blackburn has decided to pick her battles when it comes to dinner-table topics of discussion.
“It’s basically a choice between mentioning my girlfriend or refusing to eat the mashed potatoes that definitely contain dairy,” Blackburn told The Groundhog in confidence. “Aunt Ida keeps insisting that the potatoes are vegan, but I think she’s just hoping I won’t notice.”
Many of her defense strategies involve avoiding her grandmother, a food-obsessed homophobe, altogether.
“Everything about my existence would make a baby boomer’s head explode,” she explained. “Like, no, Grandma, I do eat meat, but not the kind you’re making. She still asks me when I’m getting a boyfriend every year. I just tell her I’m focusing on my studies.”
Although Blackburn has a fraught few days ahead of her, she says there is some solace to the chaotic holiday.
“One of my cousins dropped out of undergrad, so at least I don’t have to deal with all that,” Blackburn noted, making an exaggerated expression with her eyebrows. “Also we smoke weed together before dessert.”
MIDDLETOWN, CT — In a huge hit to the queer community, student-run café Espwesso has announced that they will be nearing bankruptcy by the end of the Fall 2019 semester. The café known for giving away free coffee as a central tenet to its business model is completely perplexed as to how they ended up broke.
“It seemed like a flawless plan from the beginning,” financial manager Sam Jellious said. “You give the coffee away, the customer doesn’t pay for it, and money appears in your account every week. We don’t know what went wrong.”
On top of completely free drip coffee, Espwesso has also boasted absurdly low prices for its esp(w)esso-based drinks. Competitors such as Pi Café and Usdan Café charge up to 1.5 points more per drink, with the added benefit of cold, premixed salads and Icelandic yogurt selections.
“I go to Espwesso to do work all the time,” sophomore Tina Mueller shared. “It took me until this interview to realize that they even sold anything.”
“I stopped going to Espwesso because every girl I’ve ever hooked up with studies there,” one student who asked to remain anonymous said. “That, and I simply don’t agree with jazz or improv—for political reasons. I don’t think public spaces should host those kinds of events.”
With a beloved study space on the verge of collapse, many are going into dire straits to save Espwesso from the brink and liven up their business model.
“Maybe if we started calling it ‘Wespresso,’ more people would come,” Jellious said.
MIDDLETOWN, CT — The biggest weekend of the fall semester has come and gone, folks! With Halloween on a Thursday this year, Halloweekend extended past its normal October boundaries to continue into November 1st and 2nd. Some students sported creative costumes for all three days of the drunken extravaganza, but only one complete weirdo left his costume on through Sunday and Monday.
“I saw him at the football game on Saturday and I thought, ‘Oh, cool, he’s wearing his costume during the day. That’s kinda weird, but I can vibe with it,'” one sophomore Deidre Birkenstock noted. “But then I saw him at lunch in Usdan and I realized he’s still wearing that freaky suit.”
The person behind the unnerving bird suit has yet been unnamed, but his presence has shocked and disturbed visiting parents, alums, and students alike.
“This is getting weird, man,” Michael Toblerone ’20 said. “What’s the meaning behind the costume? Is it a sex thing? Why is he normally surrounded by a group of girls in skirts?”
Loud side correspondents have attempted to shed light on the mysterious phenomenon, but their explanations were incoherent. Their talk of Saturday morning rituals and “school spirit” only raised our suspicions of a possible satanic Halloween cult in our midst.
“Dude, he’s supposed to be wearing that,” football player John Licklehooper insisted. “We can’t win without our Dirty Bird there on the sidelines.”
There’s no way of knowing for sure why that particular student has chosen this lifestyle, but for the sake of our mental wellbeing, we hope it stops soon.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – Wesleyan student Jake Maroney ’20 arrived at a halloween party this past weekend dressed as what he call ‘a pointy ghost’. When every single person at the party responded negatively to the costume, Maroney didn’t know what was going on.
“Ghosts are, like, a classic halloween costume,” argued the college senior, “and I just changed it up a bit by making the ghost pointy. What’s the issue?” Nearly everyone at the party immediately pointed out the issue, but Maroney refused to listen.
When questioned, no one even really understood where the idea to do a pointy ghost costume came from. “What the hell is a ‘pointy ghost’?” asked Lauren Billard ’21. “Does Jake think that’s a thing?” Numerous other partygoers were asked, but no one had ever heard of a ‘pointy ghost’ as a thing. One friend said “At first I thought Jake was racist, but now I know he’s just stupid.”
“I mean, like, sharp things are scary. So a pointy ghost is scarier?” Maroney claimed, but dutifully removing his costume and revealing a sexy cat underneath.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – Hark! On a sheet of parchment on the front steps of North College, a challenge was issued by none other than President Roth himself. The parchment read as follows: “Those gents who is’t possesseth the pow’r to wield the longeth ice cream scoop from Usdan shall beest mine own immediate success’rs”.
Many students have tried in vain to control the raw power that the scoop exudes. Those who have come close to wielding the untempered energy of the long scoop immediately found themselves on the edge of fainting. One student commented, “After many minutes of struggling to coordinate myself in direct opposition to the scoop’s primordial behest, I blacked out and woke up during Late Night”.
Among the absolute chaos both the long scoop and its puppet, Michael Roth, had sought out, one freshman faced the challenge with a vigor that exceeded that of previous attempts. Walking in from the quiet side, the mysterious and noble hero placed their hand onto the scoop, left sitting in the Narragansett cookie flavor, with grace. They then wielded the scoop with such ease that the student could not have been anything less than a demigod. It is clear that this student, that soon disappeared (likely to take their position), is absolutely worthy.
We recommend that the student body welcome our new leader with open arms. It is best not to disrespect a being with that sheer amount of raw power.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – As another year begins at Wesleyan, the long handled scoop at Usdan’s ice cream station continues its uninterrupted reign of terror. Intimidating each and every would-be ice cream eater that enters its realm, the long handled scoop dominates the minds of Wesleyan students.
“I can’t get ice cream without sweating,” said Greg Connors (‘20), a senior who has enjoyed ice cream since his freshman year. “I’m no novice, and still the scoop scares me. I mean, I have nightmares about it.” Connors isn’t the only one. “It’s just too long!” said Julia Little (‘23), a freshman who had recently encountered the spectre-like scoop for the first time. “I gave up mid-scoop, and I swear I could hear it laughing at me as I fled.” Several other Usdan diners expressed similar opinions to Connors and Little but preferred to remain anonymous, for fear that the scoop would target them personally.
Freshmen and Upperclassmen alike venture into the scoop’s lair with hubristic confidence that they can handle any ice cream scoop. Little do they know how absurdly long the handle of the scoop is. Many leave the ice cream station driven mad by the length of the ice cream utensil, never to be the same.
The wait is over. After many students have expressed frustration surrounding Usdan’s uncomfortably long ice cream scoops, Bon Appetit has unveiled brand new, girthier stainless steel scoops. The added weight and heft is meant to ease scooping for the less-endowed ice cream lovers.
“We’ve heard your complaints” a Bon Appetit representative said. “The Usdan ice cream scoop was always long, but now it’s also girthy.”
The new thicker scoops require a two-handed grip for the full load of creamy goodness. For best results, put on a Sufjan Stevens Spotify playlist to allow the ice cream to soften.
“I’ve always been embarrassed to scoop ice cream in Usdan because it just took too long and my arms would get tired,” first-year Alex Oneida said. “But this chode scoop gets the job done in half the time.”
So the next time you reach for a fat scoop of corn-flavored ice cream, enjoy the comfort and convenience of the revolutionary new handle. You won’t ever go back.
MIDDLETOWN – It’s the almost the first week of October on Wesleyan’s campus, and you know that could only mean one thing: Scoop Week. Get ready for one of the craziest weeks of the year, and keep up with the Groundhog for exclusivecoverage on the whole thing.
Fear. Lust. Betrayal. Comradery. Triumph. Humiliation. Boyish Wonder. As we all know, these are integral to the spirit of Scoop Week. In a matter of days, time on this campus freeze, like ice cream, and we will depart on an adventure of Homeric magnitude.
Scoop Week will affect the cultural landscape of Wesleyan so intensely that afterwards, all dates will be referred to in their relation to it. We will adopt an After Scoop Week (A.S.W.)/Before Scoop Week (B.S.W) system. For example, I came to Wesleyan in 3B.S.W, and, if I make it through scoop week, I’ll leave Wesleyan 0A.S.W.
To prepare for Scoop Week, ready yourself for endless possibilities.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – George Harris (‘23) hosted a pregame in his Butterfields forced triple this weekend, thinking he and his roommates had plenty of space to fit the paltry amount of friends they had made so far. Harris realized quickly, however, that the entire freshman class body of Wesleyan University comprises just one friend group, and soon 750 students crowded into his tiny room.
It is a familiar scene to the Usdan diner who has seen every single table on the quiet side pulled together to create one mammoth banquet table, or to the senior living on Fountain Ave. who has witnessed the traveling horde of freshmen that resemble a wave of zombies on the Walking Dead more than anything else.
Things perhaps will change soon enough, but in the meantime the entire freshman class body hangs out as one enormous clique, utterly terrified to venture anywhere without their hundred closest friends. They are legion.