Long Handled Ice Cream Scoop Continues Its Reign of Terror

MIDDLETOWN, CT – As another year begins at Wesleyan, the long handled scoop at Usdan’s ice cream station continues its uninterrupted reign of terror. Intimidating each and every would-be ice cream eater that enters its realm, the long handled scoop dominates the minds of Wesleyan students. 

“I can’t get ice cream without sweating,” said Greg Connors (‘20), a senior who has enjoyed ice cream since his freshman year. “I’m no novice, and still the scoop scares me. I mean, I have nightmares about it.” Connors isn’t the only one. “It’s just too long!” said Julia Little (‘23), a freshman who had recently encountered the spectre-like scoop for the first time. “I gave up mid-scoop, and I swear I could hear it laughing at me as I fled.” Several other Usdan diners expressed similar opinions to Connors and Little but preferred to remain anonymous, for fear that the scoop would target them personally. 

Freshmen and Upperclassmen alike venture into the scoop’s lair with hubristic confidence that they can handle any ice cream scoop. Little do they know how absurdly long the handle of the scoop is. Many leave the ice cream station driven mad by the length of the ice cream utensil, never to be the same.

Usdan Introduces New, Girthier Ice Cream Scoop

The wait is over. After many students have expressed frustration surrounding Usdan’s uncomfortably long ice cream scoops, Bon Appetit has unveiled brand new, girthier stainless steel scoops. The added weight and heft is meant to ease scooping for the less-endowed ice cream lovers.

“We’ve heard your complaints” a Bon Appetit representative said. “The Usdan ice cream scoop was always long, but now it’s also girthy.”

The new thicker scoops require a two-handed grip for the full load of creamy goodness. For best results, put on a Sufjan Stevens Spotify playlist to allow the ice cream to soften.

“I’ve always been embarrassed to scoop ice cream in Usdan because it just took too long and my arms would get tired,” first-year Alex Oneida said. “But this chode scoop gets the job done in half the time.”

So the next time you reach for a fat scoop of corn-flavored ice cream, enjoy the comfort and convenience of the revolutionary new handle. You won’t ever go back.

Scoop Week Is Coming

MIDDLETOWN – It’s the almost the first week of October on Wesleyan’s campus, and you know that could only mean one thing: Scoop Week. Get ready for one of the craziest weeks of the year, and keep up with the Groundhog for exclusivecoverage on the whole thing.

Fear. Lust. Betrayal. Comradery. Triumph. Humiliation. Boyish Wonder. As we all know, these are integral to the spirit of Scoop Week. In a matter of days, time on this campus freeze, like ice cream, and we will depart on an adventure of Homeric magnitude.

Scoop Week will affect the cultural landscape of Wesleyan so intensely that afterwards, all dates will be referred to in their relation to it. We will adopt an After Scoop Week (A.S.W.)/Before Scoop Week (B.S.W) system. For example, I came to Wesleyan in 3B.S.W, and, if I make it through scoop week, I’ll leave Wesleyan 0A.S.W.

To prepare for Scoop Week, ready yourself for endless possibilities.

Entire Freshman Class Body Comprises One Friend Group

MIDDLETOWN, CT – George Harris (‘23) hosted a pregame in his Butterfields forced triple this weekend, thinking he and his roommates had plenty of space to fit the paltry amount of friends they had made so far. Harris realized quickly, however, that the entire freshman class body of Wesleyan University comprises just one friend group, and soon 750 students crowded into his tiny room. 

It is a familiar scene to the Usdan diner who has seen every single table on the quiet side pulled together to create one mammoth banquet table, or to the senior living on Fountain Ave. who has witnessed the traveling horde of freshmen that resemble a wave of zombies on the Walking Dead more than anything else. 

Things perhaps will change soon enough, but in the meantime the entire freshman class body hangs out as one enormous clique, utterly terrified to venture anywhere without their hundred closest friends. They are legion. 

Hookup Culture Gone Too Far? Freshman Ghosts 50 Clubs

MIDDLETOWN, CT— As the new school year kicks up, Club Fair is an exciting way to give young first-years a taste of campus extracurricular life. The bustling array of tables and club leaders can often make an underclassman’s head spin. With so many options, how do you choose? It’s simple: you don’t. Every year, freshman’s eyes are bigger than their stomachs, signing up for millions of clubs they will never attend a single meeting for. Is it greedy? Yes, but the world is their oyster.

For one young first-year, being dropped into a new social circle with no prior hangups has resulted in an intense form of extracurricular promiscuity. Simply just excited by the idea of being desirable to someone, the young 18-year-old signed his name away to over 50 clubs, with zero plans to commit to any of them.

“Bread Salvage seems wholesome, and kind of familiar to what I did in high school,” Martin Rhojah ’23 said. “But Podcast Club is so fresh and new, and a little bit edgy. It’s intriguing, for sure.”

When asked whether he will at least attend the initial interest meetings for any of the clubs he signed up for, Rhojah seemed less enthused.

“I mean, I have a lot on my plate right now as it is,” he said. “I can’t prioritize any one thing. I’m just getting my feet in the water, figuring out who I am. For that reason, I need to keep things pretty casual.”

Sadly for Rhojah, most of the clubs he expressed interest in are looking for more experienced upperclassmen anyway.

DKE Only Willing to Receive Oral Arguments, Won’t Reciprocate

HARTFORD, CT – On May 1st the Connecticut Supreme Court heard oral arguments in the Kent Literary Club (KLC) v. Wesleyan University case. Unfortunately, the proceedings came to a halt after Wesleyan gave their piece and DKE announced that they “don’t really do oral” but were willing to receive.

“We’ve entered a contractual relationship with DKE and it’s only fair that they uphold their end by really going down into the details of the case,” the university’s lawyer said in an opening statement. “We’d also like to note that the piece they did present was not as long or convincing as we’d expected.”

DKE’s representatives held that their response would be a “waste of time,” and that “we don’t really see what we would get out of it.” They also accused the university of giving Psi U special treatment through backdoor tactics, stating “We know that you’ve been dealing with Psi U on the back end and letting them do things that we could only dream of.” They finished their written statements by noting that they “hadn’t even begun to mention what President Roth had gotten into during his time in Alpha Delt.”

Realizing that only one side would come out of this deal satisfied, the Connecticut Supreme Court Justices adjourned for the day.

Wesleyan University’s representative concluded “If the court won’t vindicate us then we’ll just have to get off ourselves.”

Wesleyan University Hires 5 New Presidents

MIDDLETOWN – An email was sent out on Tuesday to all Wesleyan students in response to the overwhelming outcry from the student body regarding inhumane work conditions. The email, sent by Dean Rick, announced that the university would hire five new presidents to help Michael Roth deal with his increased and unreasonable workload caused by the protests.

“We hear you,” says Rick,” and we want to work with you. We appreciate that we can create a space where you feel like you can protest. In order to make sure those protests are properly invalidated, we will be hiring 5 more presidents to help President Roth make up numbers that help him continue to profit off the hard work of others without feeling any guilt.”

Citing an excessive increase in emotional labor, Roth claims he has looked at the data and decided that he will need at least 5 more presidents to help deal with this protesting issue. These new presidents will start at a reasonable wage of just $600,000/year each. In order to pay for these new positions, Roth will not be taking a pay-cut. Instead, everything in Weshop will be marked up by 500%.