Roth Hires “Empath Assistant” To Understand Where Students Are Coming From

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Wesleyan President Michael Roth has reportedly heard, acknowledged, and truly internalized complaints by students that his school “doesn’t understand how hard academic work in an international pandemic can be.” Immediately concerned, Roth gathered a “focus group” to establish a new role which might encourage greater understanding between students and faculty. The group, which contained him and 7 other like-minded and passionate board members, came to the conclusion that they would be hiring new Empath Assistants for the duration of the COVID-19 pandemic. These self-professed “empaths” will work as mediators between the misunderstood student body and their impartial, objective professors.

In his announcement of the new position of Empath Assistant (EA), President Roth made it clear that the tenured professors had done their darndest to reward those who are willing to take on such a role. Unfortunately, President Roth announced that “due to this realization coming partway through the semester, we will be unable to make room for financial compensation for the EAs. However, we hope that the added bonus of finally being ‘heard’ will be enough of a reward for the intense emotional labor involved.”

Some of the students in Roth’s classes, however, seemed unconvinced that this would encourage truly unbiased understanding in terms of the cultural and political context. Sarah Macchi, ‘23, believed that the lack of financial help would unfortunately ensure that only the most “financially-privileged of empaths” would be able to take on this position, whereas Sam Jackson, ‘24, found the fact that “the professors are still forcing the excess labor onto the shoulders of the students” to be objectionable. 

However, as Wesleyan University has made it clear that they will hopefully be expanding the EA program over the next couple of years, while keeping the structure set up by Roth, we at the Groundhog can only look forward to how it can improve student-professor relations.

Copulation in Covid: Four Ways to Freak with No Fear!

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Due to the Covid-19 pandemic, individuals have found themselves faced with severe isolation, fear, and sexual frustration. Precautionary measures, such as social distancing and mask wearing, have left most longing for the vibrant social interactions they experienced prior to the pandemic. For many of these people, what they yearn for most is the sex life they once had in the mask-free world. The sexual tension is palpable on Wesleyan University’s campus as a result of the pandemic, and we are prepared to solve this issue. 
The Groundhog, in collaboration with Davison Health Center, is thrilled to present a detailed guide on how to get d*ck without getting sick (or; how to sit on a face, without public health disgrace). 

Masked From the Back:

Nurse Jeniffer of the Davison Center insisted that we began by presenting her favorite: doggy style in masks. She explains, “With both students facing in the same direction, transmission of the virus is far less likely to occur. Plus, who doesn’t like hitting it from behind?” Andrew F. ‘23 elaborates on the added benefits of mask-wearing during intercourse: “My roommate really appreciates that any noises are far more muffled. He no longer gets migraines when my boyfriend sleeps over.”

Circular Eating:

Nurse Mark strongly suggests that students try the sixty-nine method. This involves the two students facing in opposite directions, thus lowering the chances of infection. While he understands that this is slightly less practical on a twin bed, he assures it is safe and enjoyable for both individuals. Furthermore, Nurse Mark teased an oral-sex davison-exclusive PPR release coming up, that “stops COVID transmission like a dam.” Hannah G. ‘21 shares her confidence in this position: “I just feel so much safer with my hookup’s face far away from my own! Like, we all have sexual needs, but I don’t need to swap tongues to get the deed done. Plus, I have no problem with his junk in my face. It kind of reminds me of my pet hamster.”

Zoomegle:

During times of social isolation, making virtual connections is of the utmost importance! Zoom offers a variety of fun ways to engage in online intercourse: from zoom orgies (feel free to pin your favored partner for extra intimacy) to breakout-room speed dating, the platform lets you scout out a responsible sexual partner before making any contact-commitments. 

Masturbation and Education:

Finally, we want to present you with a Groundhog special: masturbation and education. Get sexual with yourself as you watch CDC guideline videos and informational forums on Covid-19, presented by the most promiscuous professionals. This method is a 2-1 package, as you can relieve your sexual frustration while also staying up-to-date on the newest precautionary measures. Martha C. details why this is her new favorite: “I love staying informed, plus the CDC Specialists have really sexy voices. I mean, what could be better?”

The Groundhog and Davison Health Center hope this was inspiring and informative for all. Happy humping!