Student Caught Smuggling Manischewitz Into Terp

MIDDLETOWN, CT – This past Friday, April 19, at approximately 9:39 pm, Wesleyan sophomore Rebekah Goldstein-Rosenberg was caught attempting to smuggle a canteen of Manischewitz wine into the 10 pm Terp show. University administrators that were on-site at the event stated that she had poured it into three separate glasses for her friends Noah Ruben ‘22 and Jenna Katz ‘21 before they proceeded to dip their fingers into their drinks and murmur in a fashion that one Public Safety officer described as “reminiscent of ancient witchcraft.” Dean of Students Richard Richardson stated that, while there was certainly controversy around the incident, he had full faith that P-Safe was executing their jobs to perfection, particularly when they reportedly heard threats of “blood” and “murder of the first-borns.” Although Dean Dick was unsure as to the cause behind the students’ actions, he speculated that it was likely a part of the “disruptive protests” of the administration that had occurred on campus recently.

However, this is not the same story reported by Rebekah and her friends. In her statement to the Groundhog, Rebekah claimed that they “came to TERP because we were really excited to participate in an integral aspect of the Wesleyan Experience™.” Unfortunately, they ran into a problem when Passover, a supposed holiday in the Jewish religion, landed on the date of the performance. “We wanted to be able to come out and perform in a quintessential Wes event, while still participating in the cultural and religious activities that are important to us,” began Noah Ruben, while Jenna Katz chimed in that “Frankly, this situation as a whole is absurd! We weren’t even drinking the Manischewitz, much less performing witchcraft, which, as a claim, is just blatant anti-semitism.”

While the administration comes to final decisions for the punishments for these three students, we are sure that the student body will be keen to express their own voices and opinions. However, we here at the Groundhog do want to note that we find it suspicious that these students only identified as “Jew-ish” rather than “full-on Jew,” as we’d assume a true Jew would. Nonetheless, let us hope that the situation figures itself out efficiently and fairly, and teaches us an important lesson about disrupting future TERP performances.

All Wesleyan Teachers Now to Be Called ‘ProfWessors’

MIDDLETOWN, CT – President Roth released a series of sweeping changes to the Wesleyan curriculum this past Wednesday in order to “really make every aspect of life on campus stand out from other colleges” and “expWess the uniqueness of our school.”

Although the changes won’t effect most of our day-to-day life, it is clear that the most impactful one will be requiring students to begin referring to their teachers as “ProfWessors.” This, of course, will carry over to the foreign language departments and will even affect teachers with PhD’s as, according to President Roth, “there’s no P, H, or D in ‘putting emphasis on our wonderful uniqueness.’”

These changes, however, won’t be implemented until first semester of the 2018-19 academic year in order to give students time to practice the pronunciation. Although these changes seem as though they might just be a ploy to attract more prospective students, President Roth assured us that they would help “make academic life here much more open and much less stWessful.”

 

President Roth’s Speech Drafts Just Series of Crossed-Out “That’s What She Said” Jokes

MIDDLETOWN, CT – It appeared as though President Rotherington was in a hurry this past Monday as he was seen rushing out of South College approximately eleven minutes after his office hours ended at 4:41pm. However as he scooted across the campus he let loose what appeared to be a very rough second draft of this coming year’s WesFest address to prospective students.

The speech started strong, welcoming the pre-frosh and their families to our beautiful campus, although that was overshadowed by the next line in which he thanked them for coming and then quipped “Hey, you know what? That’s what she said!” This wasn’t the only instance of Rothsburger’s misguided attempt to connect with the youth through ten-year-old sexist jokes, however, as each of the seven paragraphs ended with this Michael Scotian phrase.

“I don’t know honestly. Like it looked like a fifth grader’s stand-up comedy routine – I mean he was setting up these jokes by himself and then acting like they were clever retorts.” Groundhog reporter Missie Jenistik ‘20, the first able to attain this draft, said. “Plus on the back of it was a brainstorm of ‘entrance songs’ on which he had only ‘dope guitar solo from Pour Some Sugar on me by Def Leppard’ and a sketch of him crowd-surfing shirtless.”

One positive we found from looking at the draft was that whoever is editing Rothernot’s speeches seemed to have a good handle on the direction they wanted to move the speech. The edits made sure to take out the poorer ‘that’s what she said’ jokes and additionally ensure that the president didn’t end his speech with “Big Rothage Sausage out,” so at least there’s that.

 

Student Mixes Emergen-C with 8 Shots of Svedka

MIDDLETOWN, CT – This Wednesday at approximately 10:48pm John Klappert ‘20 found his roommate, Connor Lebrat ‘20, passed out at his desk surrounded by used tissues, three empty packets of emergency, a handle of Svedka, and around 40 flashcards with the words “Fuck Orgo” written on each one.

According to hallmates, Lebrat, a Chemistry major, has been particularly stressed about his Organic Chemistry class after receiving at 57% on the last quiz and having to prepare for a midterm this upcoming Friday.

Although Lebrat would only respond to our questions with, “I just don’t even know anymore,” Klappert was available for comments:

“I was just like, ‘Dude what the fuck?’ Like this is college, dude, you’re not supposed to be stressed,” Klappert said, astonished. “I mean, like I know he has a scholarship riding on his grades, but like at least keep your mental health to yourself.”

Now that the semester has kicked into full swing, stress levels will be at their highest until finals season, and colds will be passed around like a Juul at a pregame. For now, all we can hope is that Wesleyan students will be respectful enough to just not bother others with these minute issues.

 

Newly Hooking Up Freshman Couple Unaware of Horrors to Come

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Despite attempts to “keep it low-key,” reports have been going around that Freshmen Lonnie Dankstrum and Isabel Lasse have not only been hooking up for 5 weeks now, but seem to be spending more and more time together every day.

A reporter for the Groundhog reached out for comments after passing them making out on the couches in the second floor of Olin.

“Well, we’re not really putting any labels on it yet,” began Lasse, glancing at Dankstrum for approval. “We’re just kind of seeing where it goes at this point, I mean we’re only two months into school after all.”

Jane Landrys ‘21, a close friend of both Dankstrum and Lasse, was available for comment, saying, “Yeah, they’re not being low at all, like sometimes we’ll be in the middle of a conversation and suddenly they’re sucking face.”

“I mean they spend almost all their time together, so what do you think?” Landrys responded when asked to address the state of the couple’s relationship. “I mean I guess communication isn’t that important, but they seem to be using their mouths an awful lot to not have discussed it at all.”

Although it hasn’t been confirmed, it seems as though this past Thursday a couple with similar features was seen eating in silence at Usdan, with neither of them looking up from their dishes.

Espwesso Renamed ‘Wespresso’ After Realizing It Was Honestly Just Such a Better Name

MIDDLETOWN, CT – The staff formerly known as Espwesso workers congregated in Pi Cafe this Tuesday evening for their biweekly meeting, emerging an hour and a half later with big news: The Espwesso cafe was going to be renamed “Wespresso.”

Kyle Jackson ‘20, an active barista, first proposed the idea.

“It just kind of seemed obvious, to be honest,” Jackson explained, “I mean people kept stumbling over the original name whenever they said it. Plus, like, the Wesleyan part isn’t even emphasized.”

“When Kyle first brought up the idea we were all kind of stunned,” said co-worker Brandy Larchmont ‘19. “It took a few seconds for it to sink in for everyone, but after that we came to a pretty quick consensus that we liked the idea, plus now I can actually tell my friends back home where I work without them thinking I mispronounced the word ‘expresso.’”

The cafe’s management said that it will take a while to make the new name official, as they have to remake and reprint the logo, t-shirts, and rewrite the blackboard menu, so we shouldn’t expect an actual change until mid 2021. Until then, you can visit the student-run cafe under Allbritton for some coffee, just as long as you don’t come before 9am or after 1pm Monday through Thursday, or at all on a Friday.